Serving*Remembering*Honoring

After taking 3 months away from blogging..journaling..etc. I have decided its time to come back. The last 3 months have been a constant battle to bring joy, show hope, and honor my baby girl in every way, shape, form, or fashion. With it all starting with the preperations of our first Wave of Light Ceremony that was held on October 15th at Clark Gardens which was hosted by our new, God given,  ministry "Blessings and Butterflies". Our first remembrance day was as beautiful as it could be. we had almost 150 people attend, and we were remembering 50 precious babies that evening. I wanted to bring a remembrance ceremony to our area for the families to come together and remember their babies that are in heaven wth my baby girl. Infant loss is souch a delicate subject, nobody knows how to handle it. But, with the love, prayers, and support from all the people around me I decided to break the silence in our area, and remember our babies out loud with so many other grieving families. Our event will be held annualy, and i pray that it continues to grow and helps strengthen those who ned it the most. our facebook group (Blessings and Butterflies) now has 360 members. I am hoping that now that ive decided to blog again the members from the group and have a place to comment, and just blog on the days they need it most. I have truly realized how my life is totally in the Lords hands..so my prayer has been and will be for him to mold me and shape me and for him to use me as his vessel, and as he sees fit. My personal walk with God has never been stronger. Never will i say i am healing, or moving forward because that would be a lie. my strength comes through christ, and my life is still lived moment by moment. looking at the big picture would overwhelm me and send me probably send me into shock. My bad days may still out number my good days, but my God has yet to leave me or forsake me. He's by my side rooting me on, and knowing my morgy is there cheering me on too makes me persevere, and live out the rest of this life bringing glory and honor to both of them.                          

Blessings and Butterflies

Blessings and Butterflies is a scholarship and memorial fund that has been started in honor of our daughter Morgan Rilee. Morgan was sent to this earth for 8 very short months to touch the lives of many people. Her death is something that none of us can truly wrap our minds around. We have chosen to see God through out this tragedy, and realize that Morgan served her purpose just like he intended ...her to. Never would we have imagined our healthy and perfect baby girl be taken from us so soon. The importance of holding onto our faith is more important now than ever before. We all have to believe that we know where Morgan is right now and that God didn't make a mistake. He didn't turn His head, He was in complete control. Morgan’s days were numbered on this earth..none of us like it but I know he will give us the strength and hope to walk out this journey. Realizing that God is God and trusting in him completely was the first step we had to take. I feel like he wants us to tell people of his amazing faithfulness, and that there is no reason why we can't continue to share the life and love of Morgan with others. We want to continue on her legacy by starting a ministry to carry on her name, and to also help other bereaved families in our area.
There is a account set up in Morgan's name at the TITAN bank in Mineral Wells, Texas.

 Titan bank 940-325-9821. Donations can also be mailed to Blessings and Butterflies P.O. Box 11 Graford, Texas 76449.
Your love and prayers still mean so much to us. Continue on in this journey with us as we build this memorial and scholarship fund and reach out to other families that have angels that have simply gone too soon.

Love, Blessings, & Butterflies,

Jeff & Tiffany Howard
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faith isnt faith till its all youre holding on to

well lots has happened since ive last posted anything. the best way that i can explain it, is, it has been a total rollercoaster. grief takes such a toll on a marriage. i would have to say there are more bad days than good. when a couple is so upset and is dealing with so many different emotions, then you through in the stressors of everyday life with work, and family..it is truly a battle. then i had a day just a few days ago where i honestly went back to the day when everything happened. i was so hysterically upset that i was throwing up. the headaches are terrible, and my body just ached. satan paid me a good visit that day. god allowed me to hear a sermon that i havent heard since i have gone through the loss of my daughter and gave me a test..lets just say i failed misserably!! satan stepped in, and i broke into a million pieces. the sermon was in luke ch 8 verse 40.. to some it up it was about a couple that had a 12 year old daughter and she ways dying. the couple fell to their knees and cried out to god. their faith was strong and they believed their daughter would be healed. what was even more fitting was that the bible said 'immidiately her flow of blood stopped.' it doesnt say anything other than she just had some sort of blood loss and no physicians could help her. this passage hit home harder than any i have ever read. jeff and i had that faith, and we did all the same things that, that couple did that day. jesus was not their physically like he was in that time in the bible, but i know his word says when two or more gather and call upon him he will be in their presence. he was there that day. i felt him. why he pulled that little 8 month old soul out of morgans body that day i will never understand. why wasnt our situation like that? he healed that little girl in luke, and that couple gave praise to the lord for saving their daughter.  jeff and i would have done the same thing. that was satans greatest oopportunity to jump in and say 'see tiff, hes not that same god..he didnt heal morgan he stole her way from you. dont trust him that he will keep his promises bc there is the proof that he wont.' i believed that for a few hours last week when i had this breakdown, but thankfully the ones that take the best care of me stepped in and prayed dillagently for me. sending me love and encouragement. just a total outpour of it. i gained my focus and hope back and realized how much god has been there even though he did call my daughter home, he has yet to just thrown me out and gave up on me. he is a god of love and compassion, and only brings us to these tragedys to grow stonger in him. however, the more you try and tune out satan and focus on what the lord has in store for you, its like that is satans golden opportunity to step in and rip you to shreds. god has sent me some amazing people to walk this new journey with and they bless me more than anyone ever has. i have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. my morgy is fine, and i want her to be proud of her mommy. i want to get to that glorious day when i hear my lord say ' well done good and faithful servent' and i will be reunited with my daughter and we can pick up right where we left off. to get there though, i must hold on tight and choose to see god in everything i come in contact with.

pause

i can not believe this month will be 6 months since my morgy went home to be with the lord. everyday i have a new perspective on things however i am still in total awe that i am even doing all of this. this is not how it was suppose to be. i noticed the other day that it is truly like our life is on pause right now. theres no rewinding and no fastforwarding. in church the other morning i was watching all the little ones that are younger than morgy and they are all standiing and walking and talking..and then here i am stuck on pause with my life going no where. i have no idea what is instore for jeff and i, and if it is even gods will for us to continue this journey with another child.  But, i know that something is going to have to fill this spot that is aside of morgys spot in my heart. this spot is filled with lonelliness and hurt and whether it be a  task, or challenge..or perhaps even caring for a child its going to have to happen. Which i know will in gods time. im ready to push play and finish out this journey in this life. I am even contemplating going back to school. I have to focus on something so my mind doesnt constantly wonder.  sitting here on pause is not going to get me very far, and the pain is not easing much. - I would also like to ask for extra prayers for jeff. It seems like he was doing better months ago than what he is now. This tragedy has taken such a toll on us and our marriage but i know it is something prayer can fix. miss you so much morgy girl. my life will never be the same without you. when we are reunited all will be well.

If only it weren't a dream

Tuesday ninght i came home exhausted from work and I told jeff right after we ate that I thought I was going to go ahead and go to sleep. Even though it was still light out..I got ready for bed and crashed. I usually take my medicine everynight before going to bed, however, for some reason that night I was just focus on going straight to sleep and forgot to take it. I've never forgotten to take it since everything has happend. I dreamed all night long. I had a dream that night that Morgan came back. How she got here I don't know, but I know I had her in my arms, and I was going everywhere to show her off and show everyone that she was ok, and that God healed her, and that shes back now with us. IT WAS ALL SO SO SO REAL. I remember in the dream we were at my Nannys and now that we are just the next road over from her I told Jeff to stay right there with and hold her becuse I had to run home and get her diaper bag, (which is in her closet).  I grabbed the bag, filled it with new diapers, wipes, and clothes...all of which are perfectly put in her dresser right now in her room. Once it was all filled I hurried back to Nanny's and there she was all smiles and even standing!! We were all so excited because she was standing, and smiling, and even talking some. She kept saying mommy, and 'wuv you', it was perfect!! I snatched her up and laid her down so I could change her diaper and put on a new outfit. I soon realized that the outfits which I have from when she went to heaven were 6-9 month clothes, and she would now be 13 months on this earth she was too long and I couldn't snap the buttons on her outfit so I told jeff that we were going to have to go shopping. The next thing I remember is that I wanted to take her swimming. I think this part came from the other day I was wondering around the baby section at the store the other day and it hit me that we never got to swim together..she would have loved that. All the swimsuits, and the little swimmer diapers...Thats one thing we never got to put her in. Anways, in the dream we had it all and I remember saying she finally gets to wear her swimsuit. She got to swim with her friend Roxy, and it was perfect. I know God gave me this dream to show me that she is fine, and give me comfort by showing me that shes ok in heaven, but if she were here on earth still, this is what she would look like and be doing. This is the pain that has been making my heart hurt the most lately. Seeing everyone else getting to cotinue on with their lives, as my life is on pause. Its tough. All of these childeren that are younger than morgan are sitting, and standing..and even talking a little. Which means Morgan would more than likely be above and beyond some of those accomplishments. That hole in my heart that I will live with until I'm reunited with her in heaven, was filled in that dream..I felt it the next mornging going from filled to broke again in moments. As you can imagine I did NOT want to get up that day. I wanted to close my eyes and continuing dreaming for the rest of my life. Even though the things we did in that dream were simple little things, they meant the world to me. Thank you Lord for being such an compasionate God, and giving me this dream knowing how much it would comfort my heart. Mommy Loves you Morgan Rilee!

I Will Carry You

The last few days have, as usual, been a rollercoster. bad, bad, good, ok,...who knows what tomorrow holds. I do know that I have felt God comforting my heart many times this week. I came across a new book called, "I Will Carry You." It is about a relationship so intimate with God that it carves a safe place for crises of faith, for faith proved geuine and for divine callings willed, sealed, and fulfilled. It is a mother's moving story that is actually a true writer. It's about a mom that at 18 weeks pregnant with her fourth daughter, Audre, the doctors discovered conditions leaving Audrey "incompatible with life." She was faced with the decsion whether to termiate the pregnancy, however, her and her husband chose to carry Audrey for as long as she had life. I'd reccomed it to all of you mommies that have lost a child. No matter the death you have been dealt with. I even plan on sharing this book with a couple of the girls I am closests too. VERY GOOD BOOK SO FAR!

The last few days alot has been laid on the table. I really feel like God is preparing my heart for what he has in store for us later on down the road. He's still working on Jeff and I at different times..hint the stress and the off balace we have at times with our emotions...BUT none the less, he is at work! I am surrounded by people at every moment of the day that lifts me up. I work with some amazing ladies, and the support and the comfort they've given me this week is simply amazing! I know talking about Morgan usually makes most people cry, but I could talk about her 24/7. I'm not sayig I won't cry any during that time, but it feels right, and it feels good to talk about Morgan. I know she's happy to how much her mommy has 'opened up' to close friends, and now even co-workers. I'm blessed! Monday evening I had a rough day, and I shared this with my Facebook friends, but I must tell it one more time. I parked my car under the carport and got out the car, and somethig flew right ito the side of my face!! It was a HUGE yellow and black butterfly. I didn't know what it was so on instinct i was swatting until i caught a glimpse of what it was. She was welcoming me home and running up to me to give me kisses. Butterfly kisses at that!! My sweet girl..she is my motivation. I want her to be proud, and I want to spend eternity with my angel. Some days are tuff, or should I say MOST days are tuff..but God is at work on me, ad he is getting me through these tuff times.

dead end road

well its looking like a sleepess night for me tonight. so, I am realizing that this journey is quite a rollercoaster. I start at the very bottom and day by day by day slowly see that there may be a since of hope, and then BAM! crash back down to the very bottom again. I don't know what to expect or what to hope for these days. I try so hard to keep my faith and I know the lord has something in store for me, but its like I am never going to figure out what it is. my emotions are shot! one day I went to sleep with a baby girl that is absolutely 100 percent relying on me to do everything..and I wake up the next day with  no motherly duties what so ever.  how is a woman suppose to handle this? jeff and I are on such totally different pages of the whole 'handeling grief' matter. I have to devote my love and time into something soon and pray that god will soon show me what that something is. Nothing will get my attention or hold a candle to what morgan did in my life though. There's a hole in my heart that will not EVER be filled, until the day I'm in heaven with her.  I work..I come home, sleep, do that 4 days a week then mope around a quiet house during the weekend. I can not see myself doing this for the rest of my life.. I hate these times when I feel like this. the optimistic times are so much better. however, this is my blog, and this is what its here for..for me to tell how I feel, and have the chance to vent, and tell whatever is on my mind.

A hole in my heart

Last thursday evening I took a step forward and decided it was time for me to try something new so I joined a support group. Every 2nd Thursday of the month Christian bereaved mothers meet in this group..which is called 'A Hole In My Heart.' Last Thursday the daddys were invited too, because there was a guest speaker which was a bereaved father in honor of fathers day being this month..so thankfully, Jeff got to join me!At first, I wasn't fond of meeting a bunch of strangers and watching me bawl like a baby while I try and get through my 'story', but God once again gave me the amount of strentgh that I needed and I overcame it!! I met about 10 moms that evening and 2 dads that has lost a child. And FINALLY i met a couple of moms with younger..(not infants) but younger childern that the cause of death was tragic and accidetal. So many times I explain to people that my daughters death was such a shock, such a tragedy..nobody EVER saw something like this happening. Not that it makes in any easier to live with, but,  mothers with childern that have a disease or illness does not ever like to think of their child meeting Jesus before they get to, but the thought has to cross their mind that it could happen. Morgan's death was so...UNREAL! I don't think anyone could have thought something like this could happen.. Living with the images, and grief is something I've learned I will be dealing with for the rest of my life here on this earth. The majority of the Moms in this group lost thier child around 15+ years ago, and they seem to still be greiving as bad as I am, ad it's not even hit the 5 month anniversary yet for me. It's bittersweet. To see that the other moms did raise other childern, however no matter how much time and how many events have taken place since they lost their child, they still have 'a hole in their heart.' I believe that this is a start to something new in my journey, and pray that it will comfort my heart in some way.

Remembering the life and love of Morgan Rilee

 

We are finally all moved in, and I finally have internet again!! Bloging on my phone is to tedious...so I'm  glad our internet is all installed and I am finally able to blog again! Since the last blog a couple of major things have taken place. Hopefully I can catch up and get back to bloging at least once a week again. I have good days..and bad days...and  to be honest theres a little of both in each day. No day is totally good or bad..Things are all taken moment by moment. I'll start off on when we celebrated the life and love of my baby girl on what would have been her 1st birthday on Friday, May 27th. We were truly surrouded by love and comfort from all of the people that mean the most to us. From the prayers, and kind words, to the presents, and tears we shared with everyone, it made that day truly special. Our Morgy got to celebrate her 1st birthday sitting in the lap of our Lord..eating the absolute best cake and ice cream heaven has! Other than in my arms...there is honestly no other place that could beat that. Every single day since Morgan wen to heave I've seen a yellow butterfly..(most people know this story) So my dear fried Cassie and my sister inlaw Amy suprised me and ordered 12 live yellow butterflies for us to release at the party, and tee shirts that had morgans name on them with a butterfly. We had an amazing turn out that evening. Everyone had a good time, and even though I think we all shed a tear or should I say TEARS that evening we enjoyed the compay and enjoyed remembering the life and love we shared with my sweet baby girl  over her short 8 months on this earth. There were may times that day whe Satan was trying to take over...I caught myself in a major breakdown right before it was time to get ready for everyone to come over. I kept myself busy all morning and majority of the afternoon and I nonticed that everything was going PERFECT! Never have I planned a event when not one problem came up. God blessed me. This day was everything I had imagined it would have been..except the biggest part was missing. The cupcakes were adorable, my sweet friend misti did AMAZING on the shirts, and the balloons, the butterflies were perfect, the bounce house arrived on time, and we had an entire house/yard full of friends and loved ones all piled in our beautiful new home...This was what I had dreamed of my baby girls first birthday..but her smiling face wasn't here. There was no high cair with her own cake, and watching her get to make a mess eating her cake..she didn't get to open presents, or giggle and laugh with all the other kiddos.. It was far from easy to get through this, but once again, God gave me strength and reminded me of how happy she is there in Heaven, and enjoy this time because she is truly ecstatic where she is...Thank you all so much for everything you did for us that day. It means so much for you to share that day with us.

lord give me strength

well we are finally moved in. and just as I had imagined I am already lost as to what is next. this week is by far going to be the toughest week We've had to go through since January. my baby girl would have turned 1 friday. a year ago god blessed me with my angel and she was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. 9 months of a perfect pregnancy and then being blessed with a perfectly happy and healthy baby..god surely blessed us.from that moment on my dreams and ambitions for morgan began. I just knew we would have a lifetime of happiness and love and the joys of being called mommy and daddy forever. never ever would I have thought a year ago from that day would  be planning her first birthday party without her. I'm not even sure if this is really what I want to do, but we will soon see. we have decided to celebrate the 27th, with our closests family and friends and remember the love and joy morgan brought to each of us this time last year, and the 8 months she spent her time here on this earth with us. I am still in total shock and disbeief that this has even happened after the planning and tears  that this week will bring I have a feeling that this will be it for a while.my brain has to stay focused or it tends to wonder in places it  and the thoughts, and guilt  all start replay. from this side of things it seems as if the light is getting further and further away from the tunnell. I just see a very dark nothing when I look to the end. I have no clue what god has instore for jeff and I, and deep down I know he's not going to leave us here to suffer..but just not knowing what we want for the future is just mind boggeling. Everyday have a different aspect on how to handle things. some days are more positive than others, but the days that are dark and devistating are hard to see past. I pray for strenth this week..and honestly every week..but there is nothing I want more than to see my morgan on her birthday. I love you sweet girl. and mommy prays that our day is coming soon.

Shoes

A good friend of mine sent this to me and I decided to read it again on this mothers day...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am..
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

spring is coming

the name of one of my favorite scc songs... I have managed to fall WAY behind on my blogging yet again! It seems like  I anm trying to stay so busy that I somehow forget to do some of the things I enjoy most. noticed  that if my brain ever goes to 'idle mode' that is when satan comes in and does his best. The regrets, the guilt..- should have done this, or could have done that...its almost like  time stops for a moment and have to ask myself..did this really happen. It all sounds so far fetched..never would have thought this would have happened to my baby girl. as a mother you keep you babies far away from harms way..so how did this happen? wish the comfort of knowing thgat will get to hold her again would stay burning in my heart and mind constently with no interuption, but sometimes get so caught up in the moment that I get so frustrated that I don't focus on that. I just want her back..I beg and plead god that Ill never put her down if he just gives her back to me...Sunday is mothers day, and It would be a blessinf to hold my baby girl on that day. It will be tough..Ill never get those sweet little cards and hugs and kisses on this earth from morgan.. it just kills me. I continue to hold on to my faith in the lord, because know that he is truly the only one that is going to allow me to keep on and finish out what he has  for me on this earth. On a brighter note...god has truly blessed jeff and I. not only with hope and encouragement, but with a beautiful new home!! this is something we have prayed for, for sometime now. of course never did we imagine setting up morgans room with no morgan..but he gave us the strength to do this and for that I am thankful. its exactly the way I had it at home! The smells are even still there!! I go to her room and rock in our glider and just pray and pray. Its a place I have needed for 3 months now. we are fixing the house up with new paint and  new floors, and filling it with new furniture. we want this to be a fresh new start and I am so very thankful for the opportunity to be able to do this. god has truly blessed us. Thanks to all for the continued love and prayers...

Emotionally DRAINED

A emotional roller coaster...that's the best I can describe the last week or so. I am so out of sink of my daily routine, and it has drove me crazy. Last Thursday PK and other surrounding areas were invaded my major wildfires. It got VERY close to our pk home which brought us having to evacuate last Saturday. The first time back to the lake in almost 3 months and it was to hurry up and try and save my baby girls stuff, so it would be safe and sound with me, and out of the danger of a fire. That was so hard. We knew that the day would come where we would have to go and pack her room, but never would I have imagined it would have been in a manner like this. Just driving up to the house was tough...of course the only thing I could recall was the 24th, and images from that day. As sad as it is..that place is not home anymore. It has so many good memories there but unfortunately the bad outweighs the good. The moment we stepped in I saw her corner in our living room filled with toys that she never even got to play with from Christmas. It hit us. Things were perfect and we could not be happier with our baby girl..and it felt like that awful day in January a mack truck came and ran us completely over. All the anticipation of her growing and the love our little family shared ended so quickly...so tragically. It was time to pack her room so Jeff and I had a moment to ourselves to sit in there and cry and hold her lovey bears..and just look at all the things we had accumulated for our precious daughter over 8 months. I had just bought her a closet FULL of new clothes that she never got to wear...and looking at all of her bows, and the bedding that I was so proud of. I sure hoped she enjoyed it all, it all meant so so much to us. We wanted her to have everything she wanted and needed and it looked liked she did. Her room BY FAR had more storage containers than the rest of the house did. I picked up a blanket in her crib and just tried to smell every last smell of her I could. It did smell like her thankfully. This is all just so tough. I don't think it will ever make since on why this has happened...I would give anything to return to the way things were...

Lastly..Easter is this Sunday..plus it's the 24th. This is going to be so tough. Thankfully we've decided to attend church with some family out of town which hopefully will  be a bit easier for us. Rather than seeing all of the little ones that I had imagined being at our Easter get-togethers and the babies that my morgy would have gotten to hunt eggs with one day. The dresses, the bows will be in full fledged come Sunday. Which is something I miss dearly. Having a little girl is such a blessing. It's truly a gift from God. And my morgy soaked up every moment of it in her precious outfits, and bows. I'm going to go to her spot on Sunday evening and put her Easter basket there. The Easter bunny use to 'hide' our Easter basket in the mornings when we were kids and we would wake up to a scavenger hunt to find them! I longed for the day where we could do that with Morgan. She would have loved it. And most importantly teach of her the importance of Easter, and who Jesus is...but I now see that my little 8 month old baby girl knows him MUCH more personally than I do...as she is laying in the arms of our Lord as we speak! I love you Morgan Rilee, and pray that our day is coming soon sweet girl!!

blocked

blocked in so many more ways than one. Its been a month since we've talked and its obvious things aren't going to get any better. Thankful for the option to 'block' on facebook so ill no longer have to see the posts and pictures...the option of running far far away is unfortunately not an option..so what else is there to do? Lord please grant me with patience and sanity...it seems as if I'm running a bit low on them both. I'm still so lost. Its like my life is on a repeat now and time has stopped and improvement is impossible. 'I don't even want to be right now. all want to  do is close my eyes, and don't want to open them again, until I'm standing on the other side..' famous words of scc..his music is such an ispiration to me. when nobody else seems to have the words his songs comfort me. l love you morgan rilee and I pray our day is coming soon sweet girl.

Questions

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Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I’m confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
that fore every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn’t there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly
Ohhh
Ohhh

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

Why?

Someone shared this with me today and I thought since it hit home so much, I would put it in my blog for today. Unfourtunately, today was awful. I don't think this emptiness is going to go anywhere, anytime soon. Why does this feel like it's getting worse instead of better? I am surounded by perfect happy families, that have beautfiul babies and living the dreams I thought I would always get to have...What happend? I hate being so down. It's not like me..I guess sharing this may perhaps help someone else that may be going through a simliar situation. There are very few people that know how to handle people that has lost someone close, and unless you've been there you have no idea..

Some of the things you may experience or feel are:

• Depression.
• A profound longing and emptiness.
• Wanting to die. This feeling usually passes in time; for eventually you will realize that you must go on for the sake of remaining family members, yourself and your child who died.
• Profound sadness.
• Crying all the time or at unexpected times.
• Inability to concentrate on anything, frequently misplacing items.
• Wondering “Why???”
• Forgetfulness.
• Questioning yourself over and over: "IF only I had….?" "Why didn’t I…?"
• Placing unnecessary guilt on yourself or others.
• Anger with yourself, family members, God, the doctor and even your child for dying.
• Fearing that you are going crazy! (very normal)
• Great physical exhaustion. Grief is hard work and consumes much energy!
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time to avoid the pain.
• Physical symptoms such as heaviness in your chest or having difficulty breathing (if these feelings persist see your physician) tightness in your throat, yawning, sighing, gasping or even hyperventilating.
• Lack of appetite or over eating.
• Weight gain or weight loss.
• Anxiety. (Often associated with overprotective behavior toward surviving children and other family members.)
• Denial of your loss, thinking that your child will return. (Denial can be effectively treated by spiritual leaders as well as psychologists. Seek help if your denial phase persists beyond a month.)
• Needing to tell and retell the story of your child’s death.
• Inability to function in your job.
• Sensing your child’s presence or an odor or touch associated with your child.
• Having difficulty grocery shopping because of seeing your child’s favorite food(s) on the shelves.
• Irrationally upset with yourself if you smile or laugh, thinking how can I smile, my child is dead? (Your child will want your life to be as good and as happy as possible in spite of death’s intervention.)
• Feelings as if your spouse or other family members don’t understand your grief or are not grieving as you think they should. Remember everyone grieves differently.
• Losing old friends who don’t seem to understand your pain and grief.
• Making new friends through support groups with members who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand your feelings.
• Feeling like you are making progress in your grief work, then slip back into the old feelings. Grief work usually is a succession of two steps forward and one step back over a long period of time.


• Becoming very frustrated with others who expect you to be “over this” in a month, six months or a year and who say so. Or even being frustrated with yourself for expecting to be “over this” too soon.


• Grief work from the death of your child is a slow process. Be patient with yourself.

a very rough day

I am so torn. I have been a complete mess today. I've cried more today than have in a while and it just seems like I am not getting anywhere. how did my life get to this point? my mind has completely stopped.  january 24th my mind, heart, and soul traveled to heaven with my baby girl...and I am beginning to wonder if its ever coming back. I am constantly refering to things that I 'just did'..although in reality.. it was things did in january. its like life has stopped. its now april! how did I get here? today on my way home had a flashback of what has taken place over the last few months.. the days have never gone by so fast in all of my life. How am suppose to keep going? I am surrounded by people that have exactly what want...and all I am trying to do is figure out how did this go so wrong so fast? I know all about gods will...but how did this happen? when I woke up that monday morning never once did think that was the last time I would have held my sugarbooger. Its not very often I sull up and ask questions, but tonight my blog was for me to vent. I do not see how a marriage, or friendships, or sanity is suppose to stay intact during this awful time. it seems like they are all just a blurr right now. as soon as I think things are improving...they quickly tumble right back to the ground. I have lost so much in the last 2 1/2 months...things I never thought I would have to live without. I miss home, I miss coming home to my sweet girl and living our daily routine..I miss my cheerful carefree husband that loved making his little girl laugh. These things are not coming back, no matter how hard I try, and I'm having a very rough time dealing with it all...once again I apppoligize for the negativity, this is not like me, but this blog is meant for me vent when I need it, and I think I have accomplished that.the scripture ive been leaning on is jeremiah 29 11 'for i know the thoughts i think toward you, says the lord. thoughts of peace,not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.. love to you all that keeps me going. im so thankful for the enouragement and love you surround me with.

The Hope of Heaven

A dear friend of mine gave me a book today called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears in Heaven...." The picture on the front is a sweet little girl that has a YELLOW..yes YELLOW butterfly on her finger. Thank you so much Susan..This put a smile on my face today!! : )  There is a passage at the end of this book that I had to share:

The Hope of Heaven

Heaven. Is there any place so inviting and at the same time so incomprehensible?  What do you imagine when you think of heave? The Bible tells, us, "No mere man has ever seen, heard, or even imagined what wonderul things God has ready for those who love the Lord" (1 Corinthians 2:9,) Yet, it also tells us that heaven is a place of light, hope and rewards. Jesus said, "I go to prepare a place for you." How marvelous to know a heavenly home awaits those who trust in Him.

My deep sorrow has given me a better understanding of the Bible and God's promises concerning heaven.  Through the experience of losing my child, I have become more intensely aware of my heavenly home, and I live now in joyful expectation of going there someday. 

I have often sat on my front porch and watched the beautiful sunsets, trying to envision what my little girl might be experiencing in heaven at that very moment; running and laughing, playing with other children, even walking with her great-grandparents. My precious child, and yours, is loved and cared for in that wonderful place called heaven.  They are save and secure in the arms of Jesus. 

Knowing that my daughter is in heaven is one of my heart's greatest treasures.  When I think about being with her again, my eyes often fill with tears of joy.  I live iwth an overhwleming sense of hope and comfort as I anticipate that day.


You, too can experience this same hope, comfort, and joy through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  For the Bible clearly states that all who trust in His love, mercy, and forgiveness by faith are assured of eternal life in heave.  Therefore, you can know with absolute certainty that one day you will be reunited with your child.


A much-loved verse says, "Fo God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Sun, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.: (John 3:16). Jesus Himself said, "I tell you the tuth, whoever hears my word and believes who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemed; he has crossed over from death to life" (John 5:24) . Those who trust in Jesus will be with Him forever in heaven one day!


Many years ago I invited Jesus into my life with a simple prayer like this....


Dear Jesus, I believe that You are the Son of God, and that You gave Your life for me on the cross as a payment for my sins. I believe that You rose from the dead and that You are alive today in heaven. Please forgive my sins and come into my life as Savior and Lord.
Thank you for the gift of eternal life. Help me to trust you and walk with you here on earth until the day when I walk with you in heven. Amen.


If you have sincerely asked Jesus into your life, He will never leave you. Nothing can separate you from His love, and because of this someday in that glorius place called heaven we will cradle and hold our childern tight, and once agian our hearts will beat as one. 


I look forward to meeting you there!

I LOVE YOU MORGAN RILEE!!!!!

  

another sleepless night

well its looking like I am going to have another sleepless night tonight. all can picture tonight is flashes of the hospital. as much as know that god is in control, I'd like to know the full medical reason on why they weren't able to save my morgy. I know that it was simply not Gods will...but why did they not even give cooks a chance? I still don't think in any shape to hear the answer to these questions that I have, but - don't think that it hurts for me to ask them. My emotions are shot tonight. the last few days have been so good. almost scary they are so good. its like waiting around for the next chapter of my life to begin. I have no idea which direction to go in, and it feels like for some reason I am drawing closer and closer back to square one. I am praying that today will help. We are taking on something we haven't tried yet, and I pray its what my husband needs to break out of his shell and let some of his emotion go. Its like we have this new home were fixing to move into...but like life is going backwards instead of forwards. jeff and have already lived the part of life as getting a new home and making that house into a home together...and then eventually starting a family. the next time we were suppose to mmove into a new home was suppose to be as a family of3...not just back to jeff and I. I know God's ways are higher than our ways...but why does it seem like instead of prospering and flourishing in life, like most people get to indure...that we are going backwards??? This new home was suppose to be filled with family time..it was where my babies were to be raised, and h their first sleepovers, and birthday parties...now we have the home...but nothing to go with it. I love just putting my heart down on 'paper' it gives since of peace that nobody else can give. Even though I know that it was simply not God's will for morgy to live past 8 months...I still have a hard time on understanding what I am suppose to do next.

this is my path

my friend cassie sent this to me today...she always knows what to send me when I need it the most! this is exactly how I feel...            .  .  .  .  . This is my path. It was not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully with intention. It is a journey through grief that takes time. Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. I may be impatient, distracted, frustrating, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing. But please, just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
Please, self, be gentle with me, too.
I will not ever "get over it" so please don’t urge me down that path. Even if it seems like I am having a good day, maybe I am even able to smile for a moment, the pain is just beneath the surface of my skin. Some days, I feel paralyzed. My chest has a nearly constant sinking pain and sometimes I feel as if I will explode from the grief. This is affecting me as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

Remember that grief is as personal to each individual as a fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be doing it or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. I will survive this, but I must do what is best for me.                        

It has to be done

  

I've noticed I'm once again falling behind on my blog. Other than the reminders from everyone that looks so  forward to reading them, I can feel that it's time to release a little more on how I'm feeling this week...

 Work is still going good. It scares me that I'm admitting that. I know a lot of it are the sweet people I work with that help me get through these days. It feels good for my mind to be busy again. It seems like I'm working and working so hard to try and get back to normal..although at the end of the day I can look up and realize...it's not going to be normal. It's almost like my heart is trying to do so good to try and be rewarded all though it'll never recieve the reward that it wants until I'm home with my baby girl. We are finishing up the paperwork on our new house. We will hopefully close on the 8th. I don't know if it's the house I'm excited about or the fact that I will get to go in her room with her things again... I've been thinking a lot lately, as I know I have a lot of big decisions that I will need to make. I don't want to regret ANYTHING later on. I think my heart is telling me that I need to go and pack Morgys room. I know this will not be easy, but I think it's what needs to be done. I want things EXACTLY the way they are, and I know only I will be able to do this the way I want it done. Even though I have the best of friends and family dying to help us. Our little house wasn't much, but it's where my family was made. Mine and my husbands love for one another grew in that home over the years. Then the times we spent with our baby girl were there. How can I just never say goodbye to that place? I don't wan't to return there, because I know the flashbacks from January 24th will replay like crazy.  I know everything is cleaned up..but it still scares me. I don't think I'll go back into the bedroom...I think I'll go to her room and her room only, do what I need to do...and leave. I think I'll regret it so much if I don't do this. I wish that my strength would somehow allow me to get to hold her. All in all that's all that I want. I just want to hold her and feed her, and buckle her up in her carseat..and let her crawl to me...watch mickey mouse clubhouse all day...laugh, snuggle...play. It just kills me. No matter how strong I try to be, my heart is still broken. I miss hearing her sweet little voice..and that laugh! Even on my worse day that laugh would make me foreget about everything else and just laugh with her.
I have to once again thank all of my friends and family...and even the people I don't know personally that lift my husband and I up in your prayers. Please know that we still feel your love, and that we are so very thankful that you have not stopped praying. I know it's been over 2 months now...but we still hurt just as bad as we did the day it happen, but your prayers and encouragment are what get us through the day. We love each of you so very much, and thank you for all you do.

My yellow butterfly

                                                      

The first day that I went to town by myself, when Jeff went back to work...I prayed that God would give me strength to get out and take on that huge step after losing my baby girl. I was scared to death. I had been around someone 24 hours a day 7 days a week for almost a month. The first day I went out I of course had a complete fall apart. My car was too quiet. I didn't like the silence. I wanted to reach my hand in the back and let morg hold on  to my pinkie as she drooled and babbled as we were driving like she always did. I prayed..'God...PLEASE send me some kind of something to show me that she's ok, and that I'm able to do this.' I really could not picture going on in life without her..(still most days I can't.) But it was that day that God blessed me with that special something to touch my heart....a beautiful yellow butterfly. It was flying right by my car as I drove through town then flew away. I didn't think much of it at the time, but the next day as I went out to check the mail and tan....ANOTHER yellow butterfly. For about a month now EVERY SINGLE DAY God sends me a yellow butterfly in my path. Whether it be morning, or evening..I get to see my yellow butterfly. I usually see it at the toughest part of my day too, that's why I know it's a God send. Last Sunday when Jeff and I were at her spot we were laying down on the grass by her spot and here came a yellow butterfly. It's like it was circling us!! I laughed so much I cried. Then to top it off..Tuesday night we went and signed the contract on our knew home. Purchasing this new home is going to be bittersweet, but as Jeff and I stepped out of the car and started up to the front door, the biggest yellow butterfly trimmed in black was flying right next to us, like it was flying in with us...showing us "see I'm here..and I'm ok. Just keep going and be strong." We're not moving without her..she was right there with us as we made this huge step in life. I know he gave me this to prove that SEE she is just fine...I know you miss her, but be patient...She is PERFECTLY taken care of in my hands. What an honor that our Lord and Savor is holding my daughter... Am I jealous..? Yes. That's my flesh and motherly love coming out in me. I want to be holding her, and laughing with her and picking out her cute outfit every morning....

I was laying down a bit ago and my heart started racing. I HATE when this happens. It's like every morning I wake up and I realize that she's in heaven....but how she got there sometimes doesn't click. Moment by moment replayed in my head and I was just dumbfounded.... My gosh what happened? And HOW did this happen? and the biggest question is, is WHY did this happen? It doesn't get any worse than this. I know shes fine and taken care of, but when the thought of the accident replays..it hurts. BAD I watch videos of her and it's almost like shes here with me. I am so thankful that I have them. I miss my Morgy. I keep thinking this will get easier..but it's not. I miss you sweet baby...mommy loves you so much.

Answer to prayer

Well, we found out last night that the sellers accepted our offer on the house we've been looking at. I think now I'm even a bigger wreck than I was a few days ago...in the mix of sadness, anger, jealousy, heartache...a little excitement came into my heart. Moving from our old home is going to be hard, we share so many good memories there, but I know God knows our hearts, and he knows that living there is just not possible. This new house would be absolutely perfect for my baby girl. The yard is HUGE, the perfect space for a swingset and even one day a pool. Even though she's not physically with us, she will be moving into this new home too. I plan to set up her room exactly the way her old room was set up...just how it was when she was last in there. I look forward to the day where I can stare at those pink walls, and rock in my glider reading good night moon, and her baby bear bible to her. I hope the smell of her clothes and blankets doesn't ware off to fast...I will treasure them forever. Even though this is a exciting time for Jeff and I, it's going to be a tough time as well. NEVER EVER will I MOVE ON from my precious baby girl and there is no such thing as 'NORMAL'..we are simply searching for a new normal in every day and she's right here with us cheering us on. Our hearts hurt. I want to hold her SO SO SO bad. just one more kiss and giggle would be great. One day soon I'll get to meet her at heavens gate and she will be there bouncing and ready for me to pick her up!! I can not WAIT for that day to come.

Another hard day

Yesterday was a rough day. I know that I'll have them..but they still hurt. I worked later yesterday like I usually do on Mondays and at 4:15 the thought of me needing to hurry home because it's monday and jeff has morgan crossed my mind. I had to get home in time for him to leave for work...I loved mondays..it seemed like she was extra happy to see me. If I could only drive home to her and her daddy waiting there for me...it would make my day. I miss her. (that's an understatement) I would have never left her..not even for a second.. if I knew I would only get to enjoy her for almost 8 months. She was so perfect, so happy...why is she gone? I just want to be mommy...have that feeling that nobody else can fill. That feeling in your heart knowing your baby needs you, and depends on you...I miss it. The ned of the month is always tough..the 24th is just a evil number..i dread the 24th of the month now. It'll be extra hard because the 23rd is Jeffs birthday..and the 24th of this month is our anniversary...It'll be hard to celebrate. I almost don't want to have family get togethers...because part of our family is missing. The biggest part. Then, Sunday will be the 27th...she would have been 10 months. I wonder what she would be doing now..I know she'd be walking..I wonder if she would have learned any new words by now? My heart hurts...I just want her back. I know I'll get to see her again, but somedays that just doesn't make it any better. I want to be with her now...

See

Today was my second morning back to work...and believe it or not, it's not as bad as I imagined it to be. Any time I see blood I cringe and I was wondering, how in the world would I handle blood specimens all day without falling to pieces..? I'm not exactly handleing them, but I've seen them and I haven't fallen completely apart. I missed my morgy SO SO SO much during the workday, even when she was here, because that was the absolute ONLY time she was ever away from me. Never did I leave her with family...so those 7 or 8 hours I was away from her during the day KILLED me. She and her aunt amy would wave bye bye to me. It was hard..but I could watch that precious little face as I drove off in the mornings, and it motivated me to go. If I worked, we could have extra money, which meant I could do more for my daughter and I wouldn't have to worry about her NEEDING anything...

I pulled away from 'aunt amy's' house this morning leaving for work, which is now where
we are calling home(since the accident)..and I didn't see my sugerbooger watching me. It hurts. She was my motivation. I don't see the point in it now. I think work is now more of a spot where I can be around people, so I don't go completely nutty staring at 4 white walls all day. Either way, I'm blessed at that job. The people are amazing. I know I can turn to any of them any time of the day and they'll be there. I know God want's me there now, the doors wouldn't have poured open in front of me if he didn't. Perhaps it'll be part of the healing that I will need to continue on in my journey. I just continue to do moment by moment, that's all I can do. I don't want overload myself, becuase I know how easy it will be for me to fall  completely apart.                                   

Every morning I listen to Steven Curtis Chapmans' cd "Beauty will rise."  It's his cd that goes along with the book "Chosing to See". Every song on that cd is a blessing in some way..but there are 3 songs imparticular that bless me so much. Jesus will meet you there, See, and I will trust you. 'See' is what helps me get out in the morning and helps remind me that shes saying, 'See' "Mom...I'm fine, I'm still up here with Jesus, and he's letting me play with baby bunnies!!." This nightmare has turned into realization for me...It's a like the longest day at work EVER..just missing her to peices...but knowing that I will soon be home with her and get to hold and kiss her sweet little face again. She's waiting for me, just like she waited for me while I was at work. She know's that mommy will be home soon, and she's in the best care EVER. (no offense aunt amy) ;)  No sin, sickness, pain, suffering, tears...earaches, teehthing.... NOTHING! She's happily playing and waiting for me to get there with her. I praise God he's given me that peace. Somedays it doesn't make it any easier, but today it has and I am thankful.


Thank you to EVERYONE for continuing to pray. I know that's the only way Jeff and I are able to get up in the mornings and put both feet on the ground, and walk out with the amount of strength we need to make it through these tough days.

May you all be blessed for blessing us. Love to you all...


Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can SEE are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this pain
Is that you hear?
Laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying SEE, it's everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me
And finally you'll SEE

'See' by Steven Curtis Chapman

this is it...

well...this is it. I'm taking a leap of faith today and attempting to go back out in public. This is going to be hard, and I honestly don't even know if it'll work but all I can do is try. this weekend, has once again, been so tough for us both.   I'm filled with so many mixed emotions right now, and have to make a lot of important decesions for my husband and I. I continue to pray I do the right thing, and do the things that would honor,and make my baby proud....    Im now on chapter 27 of 'see' you all HAVE to read this book. thes last few chapters I've read is practically my story (with different names, and the accident is slightly different than ours) but it has blessed me in so many ways. Then two of the songs that steven curtis wrote while he was greiving in the time of losing his daughter, truly comfort both jeff and I. its almost as if he wrote them for us. Like someone knows exactly our thoughts and feelings.... I'd do anything to meet that woman. she now makes me strive to continue on with this journey and is a constent reminder of how there's no way I'll make it without his grace. the weekdays are somehow easier than weekends, maybe because we fall apart together and it allows satan to jump in. the guilt, the heartache, the troubling thoughts and images...they just seem to explode inside of us, and we both react totally differently. to everyone out there that has been praying please do it double doses today...post this on your wall, and help spread the word. prayer is the only thing I need right now. Everyone wants to know what they can do and finally I can put you all to work.. Have your family and friends  pray for direction, guidance, and that the lord fills our voided aching hearts with his love and grace. And that these decisons I make will be of him.. I can't lay down and die, which some days seems to be the only option, but today is the day where I pray god wraps his arms around my husband and I, and takes us where he wants us in life. may god bless you all and we praise god for the love and prayers.

Listen to this playlist: morgansmommmy's Playlist

'I'm in need of your grace today...'

Well today is my last week day off...I'm so nervous about having to go back out in public. The only time I really get out during the week by myself is to check the mail, tan, or run to the bank.which is not what I consider public. I had a major break down today while I was out, and I asked myelf, 'really tiff, are you really ready to do this?' There's only one way to find out and it's to try it out. I think work will help keep my mind going, but then again I don't know how well my mind is going to work so who knows how it'll turn out. All I can do is try. I'm blessed to have such awesome co-workers. I know that every single one of them are there to support me, and that means so much. It's going to be so strange having to drive only 25 minutes compared to the 40-45 minute journey I use to travel every morning with my morgy. Today, I reached back in the back to feel her carseat...it wasn't there. I miss that so much. I miss hitting bumps in the road and hearing her 'betty the butterfly' and 'ellie the elephant' (the little toys on her car seat jingle and sing) by the way..daddy named those toys for her. It's so quiet..I hate quiet. I want to hear her babble, and blow bubbles. I miss that so much.

Sometimes I get my mind going in one direction during the day and it's like a ton of bricks fall on me all at once and reality hits. SHES GONE!  Play by play of my life since January 24th at about 4:30 p.m...It's been THE WORST, and the LONGEST 45 days of my life. I miss our home so much. But home is not home without our sugerbooger. God willing I will not have to return home. So far we haven't and I'm so thankful for that. I'm anxious to have all of her stuff in my posession again. It will be hard, probably for a long time, but I think that's what I need to help grieve. I think I've been missing out on that...

A lady we went to church with passed away yesterday, and instead of sad and being shocked..I was jealous. How lucky is she that she gets to spend an eternity with my Morgy and it starts NOW!...I'd love to be in her shoes. I know I'll get to in God's time, and I'm realizing that my job here isn't quite done yet. Morgy's job lasted almost 8 months...I can't imagine the people that have jobs on this earth that last 88, or 108 years!!! Hopefully I'll work overtime in this life here on this earth, so I can get to her quicker than that

A friend told me to try and look for one good thing in each day...today I came across a couple of scriptures that I know I've read a million time, but they didn't hit me like they did today:

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord....
I know God has a plan for Jeff and I..and it's not to live in heartache and sorrow..he promises us a hope and a future.That's comforting.  All and all I miss my baby, and I just want to go check on her...and until I get to do that I'm just going to take it moment by moment and pray gods grace and mercy never leaves me.

choosing to see

As usual God is still giving me the strength I need moment by moment to make it through these tough days. I've been blessed with 3 different books that I believe God has sent through friends that may help guide me through this grieving process a bit easier. Or maybe just another tool too prove that I'm not the only person in this world with the anger, jealousy, heartache, and the unansweable questions on why my baby went to heaven.  I'm not much of a reader but I'm starting my life fresh in so many different ways that I figure I'd try reading in hopes for the lord to give me the peace I'm looking for, for the day. I've been praying about which book to start first and I chose  "choosing to see," by mary beth chapman. (steven curtis chapmans wife) A close friend of mine has been reading it and well actually previewing it for me making sure its not too much for me to handle right now. She's loving it too. Its the story of her coping after the tragic loss of her 5 year old daughter, which was accidentally ran over by her 17 year old son. I'm only in chapter 6 and I'm praising god that he gave this book (through a friend) to read! (Thanks susan!!) I have to share what has comforted me the most today..."No mom can come up with words to express the ripping pain of losing a child...and no words can do justice to the mysteries of God in the midst of tragedy." She was comforted by a couple of the same scriptures I've turned too. Isaiah 43:2,5...'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you..Do not be afraid ,for I am with you; I will. Bring your children from the east and gather you from the west."  I could have wrote chapter 1 and 2 of this book, and it could have came out pretty close to how I feel. Another thing that comforted me in the book was in chapter 2 she said 'it has been agonizing to chose to see God at work through the tears of losing my daughter. I have however, experienced the kindness, sweetest, faithfulness, and redemptive heart of God. I believe none of my tears have been wasted." Its like she took the words right out of my mouth!  I can't wait until I get back to it tomorrow. I was blessed today with bracelet by a friend of mine. Its a bracelet with both mine and morgys birthstones...its so pretty, and its by far one of the sweetest gifts I've received so far. Its a true blessing! Thanks so much  miss caramie!! you made my day.It's the things like  that mean the most. Also another big thanks to cassie. you continue to bless me with the words I need to hear, and motivate me to do so much, love ya and I praise God you've been there EVERYDAY, since the evening my morgy went to heaven. For everyone else, the thoughts, prayers, and encouragement is what keeps me going THANK YOU!!!

just another day

laying around is getting me no where. I think I'm going to get out for a bit (by myself) and just try to get mind on something. I wish I could turn to shopping to maybe make the day pass, but I catch myself in the baby stores or section all the time. it takes all have not to buy bows and new outfits for my morgan. I had a friend tell me last night that it seemed like God was really trying me because it seemed like yesterday was filled with so much heartache and lonliness. I believe her. its like he's saying, ok tiff make it through this part again and you'll then be able to receive the next blessing I have for you. I know I try. I stay in the word constently... I'm suppose to return to work on monday, I feel like I have so much to do before then. I don't even think I have a set of scrubs here with me where I'm staying...I'm afriad I'm going to get there and break down. Am I physically and mentally ready for this? I suppose there's only one way to find out..I dread getting back into a routine, I don't want to take my foucs off of my morgy.. It'll be tough, but I'm going to at least try to go back. during the night, last night, I put my head under my pillows and tried to think I was home in my own bed...I listend and it was silent. I could listen to morgs little heart beat and her breathe when I was at home in my own bed...I didn't hear that this time, which quickly reminded me she was gone . My mind will start going 90 miles per hour and it seems like it just explodes and I ask...my gosh what happened? How did I get here and what happened to my old life. Who would have thought that, that sunday was our last day toghether? I know she knows I love her and I pray she stays here by my side to help me along the way.

it wasn't suppose to be this way

It is days like today I could just fall apart..It's not suppose to be this way. all of my morgys friends except for miss sawyer are officially going to be here today. She will be making her big debeut around morgys birthday. baby klay was born about a week after she went to heaven, and now her friend  kyndal is being born. How am I suppose to be excited? these are my best friends children being born, and I'm  going to miss all of it. I was so excited thinking about my morgan growing up with all of these babies and it's like I've been thrown out the circle of new mommies. l will always be morgans mommy, but I can't brag with everyone  on her new accomplishments, and post pictures of all of her new achievements. I think this is one of the hardest things...everytime I see a baby my heart just melts. even during church, it takes all I have to stay sitting in the pew because I just cry and cry. Yesterday I had to pray for god to allow me to make it through church because it was pretty tough on both jeff and I. we miss her so much and just want her back. we miss being "da da, and ma ma". I have faith that God will continue to mend our hearts though.

Another big thanks for all the prayers and encouragement we love you all!