I've noticed I'm once again falling behind on my blog. Other than the reminders from everyone that looks so forward to reading them, I can feel that it's time to release a little more on how I'm feeling this week...
Work is still going good. It scares me that I'm admitting that. I know a lot of it are the sweet people I work with that help me get through these days. It feels good for my mind to be busy again. It seems like I'm working and working so hard to try and get back to normal..although at the end of the day I can look up and realize...it's not going to be normal. It's almost like my heart is trying to do so good to try and be rewarded all though it'll never recieve the reward that it wants until I'm home with my baby girl. We are finishing up the paperwork on our new house. We will hopefully close on the 8th. I don't know if it's the house I'm excited about or the fact that I will get to go in her room with her things again... I've been thinking a lot lately, as I know I have a lot of big decisions that I will need to make. I don't want to regret ANYTHING later on. I think my heart is telling me that I need to go and pack Morgys room. I know this will not be easy, but I think it's what needs to be done. I want things EXACTLY the way they are, and I know only I will be able to do this the way I want it done. Even though I have the best of friends and family dying to help us. Our little house wasn't much, but it's where my family was made. Mine and my husbands love for one another grew in that home over the years. Then the times we spent with our baby girl were there. How can I just never say goodbye to that place? I don't wan't to return there, because I know the flashbacks from January 24th will replay like crazy. I know everything is cleaned up..but it still scares me. I don't think I'll go back into the bedroom...I think I'll go to her room and her room only, do what I need to do...and leave. I think I'll regret it so much if I don't do this. I wish that my strength would somehow allow me to get to hold her. All in all that's all that I want. I just want to hold her and feed her, and buckle her up in her carseat..and let her crawl to me...watch mickey mouse clubhouse all day...laugh, snuggle...play. It just kills me. No matter how strong I try to be, my heart is still broken. I miss hearing her sweet little voice..and that laugh! Even on my worse day that laugh would make me foreget about everything else and just laugh with her.
I have to once again thank all of my friends and family...and even the people I don't know personally that lift my husband and I up in your prayers. Please know that we still feel your love, and that we are so very thankful that you have not stopped praying. I know it's been over 2 months now...but we still hurt just as bad as we did the day it happen, but your prayers and encouragment are what get us through the day. We love each of you so very much, and thank you for all you do.
Tiffany, you are doing so good! Don't be afraid to enjoy things (or people) in life that make you feel good or bring a smile to your face! I know that sometimes I felt almost guilty for laughing or "going on" with life, and all the while knowing that is what God intended for me to do. It has only been a short time, and you just grieve in your time and at your pace. Just know that God does intend for you to move forward and to begin to enjoy those special blessings that He has for you each day.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are going to take care of Morgy's things yourself. That way you will know that it is done just the way you want. I cannot imagine how hard it may be to take that first step into your house, but you will not be making it on your own. He will give you the strength you need to take care of things! After all, as you said, that is where you have made so many wonderful, precious memories.
Just know that as you move into your new home, that so many have prayed for, that you will be bringing those precious memories and possessions that you and Jeffrey and Morgan made in your first home. You will also be blessed by God with new memories and blessings that you don't even begin to know how wonderful they will be!
Nothing will ever take away the hurt or the loss that you have experienced. But as you already know, life moves on. That doesn't mean that you will forget, nor will others, how wonderful, beautiful and precious Morgan was! And when you recall that precious giggle and grin, you just smile that beautiful smile of yours! Morgan would love knowing she made you smile!!
You and Jeffrey just keep clinging to God and to each other. And please allow Him to bless you in whatever way He desires!!
Love you both so much!
P.S. Looking forward to my new neighbors!
I just found your blog, I have started reading a few post, and my heart is breaking for you, While I don't know what actually happened to your sweet girl ( I have not read all the way back yet) I know this must be such a tough time for you. I wish with all of my heart that I could bring your sweet angetl back to you. After reading some of your post's you have shown me that I need to stop complaining about little things and be thankful for what I have. I have a 7 month old, and lately we have been having sleep issues due to ear/teeth.. I have honestly been a bit frustrated (due to lack of sleep) but your post's have shown me to cherish every moment I have with her, as we never know when our last moment will be. I will keep you in my prayers, as you find healing. ((HUGS))
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