faith isnt faith till its all youre holding on to

well lots has happened since ive last posted anything. the best way that i can explain it, is, it has been a total rollercoaster. grief takes such a toll on a marriage. i would have to say there are more bad days than good. when a couple is so upset and is dealing with so many different emotions, then you through in the stressors of everyday life with work, and family..it is truly a battle. then i had a day just a few days ago where i honestly went back to the day when everything happened. i was so hysterically upset that i was throwing up. the headaches are terrible, and my body just ached. satan paid me a good visit that day. god allowed me to hear a sermon that i havent heard since i have gone through the loss of my daughter and gave me a test..lets just say i failed misserably!! satan stepped in, and i broke into a million pieces. the sermon was in luke ch 8 verse 40.. to some it up it was about a couple that had a 12 year old daughter and she ways dying. the couple fell to their knees and cried out to god. their faith was strong and they believed their daughter would be healed. what was even more fitting was that the bible said 'immidiately her flow of blood stopped.' it doesnt say anything other than she just had some sort of blood loss and no physicians could help her. this passage hit home harder than any i have ever read. jeff and i had that faith, and we did all the same things that, that couple did that day. jesus was not their physically like he was in that time in the bible, but i know his word says when two or more gather and call upon him he will be in their presence. he was there that day. i felt him. why he pulled that little 8 month old soul out of morgans body that day i will never understand. why wasnt our situation like that? he healed that little girl in luke, and that couple gave praise to the lord for saving their daughter.  jeff and i would have done the same thing. that was satans greatest oopportunity to jump in and say 'see tiff, hes not that same god..he didnt heal morgan he stole her way from you. dont trust him that he will keep his promises bc there is the proof that he wont.' i believed that for a few hours last week when i had this breakdown, but thankfully the ones that take the best care of me stepped in and prayed dillagently for me. sending me love and encouragement. just a total outpour of it. i gained my focus and hope back and realized how much god has been there even though he did call my daughter home, he has yet to just thrown me out and gave up on me. he is a god of love and compassion, and only brings us to these tragedys to grow stonger in him. however, the more you try and tune out satan and focus on what the lord has in store for you, its like that is satans golden opportunity to step in and rip you to shreds. god has sent me some amazing people to walk this new journey with and they bless me more than anyone ever has. i have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. my morgy is fine, and i want her to be proud of her mommy. i want to get to that glorious day when i hear my lord say ' well done good and faithful servent' and i will be reunited with my daughter and we can pick up right where we left off. to get there though, i must hold on tight and choose to see god in everything i come in contact with.