See

Today was my second morning back to work...and believe it or not, it's not as bad as I imagined it to be. Any time I see blood I cringe and I was wondering, how in the world would I handle blood specimens all day without falling to pieces..? I'm not exactly handleing them, but I've seen them and I haven't fallen completely apart. I missed my morgy SO SO SO much during the workday, even when she was here, because that was the absolute ONLY time she was ever away from me. Never did I leave her with family...so those 7 or 8 hours I was away from her during the day KILLED me. She and her aunt amy would wave bye bye to me. It was hard..but I could watch that precious little face as I drove off in the mornings, and it motivated me to go. If I worked, we could have extra money, which meant I could do more for my daughter and I wouldn't have to worry about her NEEDING anything...

I pulled away from 'aunt amy's' house this morning leaving for work, which is now where
we are calling home(since the accident)..and I didn't see my sugerbooger watching me. It hurts. She was my motivation. I don't see the point in it now. I think work is now more of a spot where I can be around people, so I don't go completely nutty staring at 4 white walls all day. Either way, I'm blessed at that job. The people are amazing. I know I can turn to any of them any time of the day and they'll be there. I know God want's me there now, the doors wouldn't have poured open in front of me if he didn't. Perhaps it'll be part of the healing that I will need to continue on in my journey. I just continue to do moment by moment, that's all I can do. I don't want overload myself, becuase I know how easy it will be for me to fall  completely apart.                                   

Every morning I listen to Steven Curtis Chapmans' cd "Beauty will rise."  It's his cd that goes along with the book "Chosing to See". Every song on that cd is a blessing in some way..but there are 3 songs imparticular that bless me so much. Jesus will meet you there, See, and I will trust you. 'See' is what helps me get out in the morning and helps remind me that shes saying, 'See' "Mom...I'm fine, I'm still up here with Jesus, and he's letting me play with baby bunnies!!." This nightmare has turned into realization for me...It's a like the longest day at work EVER..just missing her to peices...but knowing that I will soon be home with her and get to hold and kiss her sweet little face again. She's waiting for me, just like she waited for me while I was at work. She know's that mommy will be home soon, and she's in the best care EVER. (no offense aunt amy) ;)  No sin, sickness, pain, suffering, tears...earaches, teehthing.... NOTHING! She's happily playing and waiting for me to get there with her. I praise God he's given me that peace. Somedays it doesn't make it any easier, but today it has and I am thankful.


Thank you to EVERYONE for continuing to pray. I know that's the only way Jeff and I are able to get up in the mornings and put both feet on the ground, and walk out with the amount of strength we need to make it through these tough days.

May you all be blessed for blessing us. Love to you all...


Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can SEE are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this pain
Is that you hear?
Laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying SEE, it's everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me
And finally you'll SEE

'See' by Steven Curtis Chapman