My yellow butterfly

                                                      

The first day that I went to town by myself, when Jeff went back to work...I prayed that God would give me strength to get out and take on that huge step after losing my baby girl. I was scared to death. I had been around someone 24 hours a day 7 days a week for almost a month. The first day I went out I of course had a complete fall apart. My car was too quiet. I didn't like the silence. I wanted to reach my hand in the back and let morg hold on  to my pinkie as she drooled and babbled as we were driving like she always did. I prayed..'God...PLEASE send me some kind of something to show me that she's ok, and that I'm able to do this.' I really could not picture going on in life without her..(still most days I can't.) But it was that day that God blessed me with that special something to touch my heart....a beautiful yellow butterfly. It was flying right by my car as I drove through town then flew away. I didn't think much of it at the time, but the next day as I went out to check the mail and tan....ANOTHER yellow butterfly. For about a month now EVERY SINGLE DAY God sends me a yellow butterfly in my path. Whether it be morning, or evening..I get to see my yellow butterfly. I usually see it at the toughest part of my day too, that's why I know it's a God send. Last Sunday when Jeff and I were at her spot we were laying down on the grass by her spot and here came a yellow butterfly. It's like it was circling us!! I laughed so much I cried. Then to top it off..Tuesday night we went and signed the contract on our knew home. Purchasing this new home is going to be bittersweet, but as Jeff and I stepped out of the car and started up to the front door, the biggest yellow butterfly trimmed in black was flying right next to us, like it was flying in with us...showing us "see I'm here..and I'm ok. Just keep going and be strong." We're not moving without her..she was right there with us as we made this huge step in life. I know he gave me this to prove that SEE she is just fine...I know you miss her, but be patient...She is PERFECTLY taken care of in my hands. What an honor that our Lord and Savor is holding my daughter... Am I jealous..? Yes. That's my flesh and motherly love coming out in me. I want to be holding her, and laughing with her and picking out her cute outfit every morning....

I was laying down a bit ago and my heart started racing. I HATE when this happens. It's like every morning I wake up and I realize that she's in heaven....but how she got there sometimes doesn't click. Moment by moment replayed in my head and I was just dumbfounded.... My gosh what happened? And HOW did this happen? and the biggest question is, is WHY did this happen? It doesn't get any worse than this. I know shes fine and taken care of, but when the thought of the accident replays..it hurts. BAD I watch videos of her and it's almost like shes here with me. I am so thankful that I have them. I miss my Morgy. I keep thinking this will get easier..but it's not. I miss you sweet baby...mommy loves you so much.