'I'm in need of your grace today...'

Well today is my last week day off...I'm so nervous about having to go back out in public. The only time I really get out during the week by myself is to check the mail, tan, or run to the bank.which is not what I consider public. I had a major break down today while I was out, and I asked myelf, 'really tiff, are you really ready to do this?' There's only one way to find out and it's to try it out. I think work will help keep my mind going, but then again I don't know how well my mind is going to work so who knows how it'll turn out. All I can do is try. I'm blessed to have such awesome co-workers. I know that every single one of them are there to support me, and that means so much. It's going to be so strange having to drive only 25 minutes compared to the 40-45 minute journey I use to travel every morning with my morgy. Today, I reached back in the back to feel her carseat...it wasn't there. I miss that so much. I miss hitting bumps in the road and hearing her 'betty the butterfly' and 'ellie the elephant' (the little toys on her car seat jingle and sing) by the way..daddy named those toys for her. It's so quiet..I hate quiet. I want to hear her babble, and blow bubbles. I miss that so much.

Sometimes I get my mind going in one direction during the day and it's like a ton of bricks fall on me all at once and reality hits. SHES GONE!  Play by play of my life since January 24th at about 4:30 p.m...It's been THE WORST, and the LONGEST 45 days of my life. I miss our home so much. But home is not home without our sugerbooger. God willing I will not have to return home. So far we haven't and I'm so thankful for that. I'm anxious to have all of her stuff in my posession again. It will be hard, probably for a long time, but I think that's what I need to help grieve. I think I've been missing out on that...

A lady we went to church with passed away yesterday, and instead of sad and being shocked..I was jealous. How lucky is she that she gets to spend an eternity with my Morgy and it starts NOW!...I'd love to be in her shoes. I know I'll get to in God's time, and I'm realizing that my job here isn't quite done yet. Morgy's job lasted almost 8 months...I can't imagine the people that have jobs on this earth that last 88, or 108 years!!! Hopefully I'll work overtime in this life here on this earth, so I can get to her quicker than that

A friend told me to try and look for one good thing in each day...today I came across a couple of scriptures that I know I've read a million time, but they didn't hit me like they did today:

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord....
I know God has a plan for Jeff and I..and it's not to live in heartache and sorrow..he promises us a hope and a future.That's comforting.  All and all I miss my baby, and I just want to go check on her...and until I get to do that I'm just going to take it moment by moment and pray gods grace and mercy never leaves me.