this is my path

my friend cassie sent this to me today...she always knows what to send me when I need it the most! this is exactly how I feel...            .  .  .  .  . This is my path. It was not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully with intention. It is a journey through grief that takes time. Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. I may be impatient, distracted, frustrating, and unfocused. I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears. I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing. But please, just sit beside me. Say nothing. Do not offer a cure. Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering and don't turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
Please, self, be gentle with me, too.
I will not ever "get over it" so please don’t urge me down that path. Even if it seems like I am having a good day, maybe I am even able to smile for a moment, the pain is just beneath the surface of my skin. Some days, I feel paralyzed. My chest has a nearly constant sinking pain and sometimes I feel as if I will explode from the grief. This is affecting me as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

Remember that grief is as personal to each individual as a fingerprint. Don't tell me how I should or shouldn’t be doing it or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don't tell me what's right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time. I will survive this, but I must do what is best for me.                        

It has to be done

  

I've noticed I'm once again falling behind on my blog. Other than the reminders from everyone that looks so  forward to reading them, I can feel that it's time to release a little more on how I'm feeling this week...

 Work is still going good. It scares me that I'm admitting that. I know a lot of it are the sweet people I work with that help me get through these days. It feels good for my mind to be busy again. It seems like I'm working and working so hard to try and get back to normal..although at the end of the day I can look up and realize...it's not going to be normal. It's almost like my heart is trying to do so good to try and be rewarded all though it'll never recieve the reward that it wants until I'm home with my baby girl. We are finishing up the paperwork on our new house. We will hopefully close on the 8th. I don't know if it's the house I'm excited about or the fact that I will get to go in her room with her things again... I've been thinking a lot lately, as I know I have a lot of big decisions that I will need to make. I don't want to regret ANYTHING later on. I think my heart is telling me that I need to go and pack Morgys room. I know this will not be easy, but I think it's what needs to be done. I want things EXACTLY the way they are, and I know only I will be able to do this the way I want it done. Even though I have the best of friends and family dying to help us. Our little house wasn't much, but it's where my family was made. Mine and my husbands love for one another grew in that home over the years. Then the times we spent with our baby girl were there. How can I just never say goodbye to that place? I don't wan't to return there, because I know the flashbacks from January 24th will replay like crazy.  I know everything is cleaned up..but it still scares me. I don't think I'll go back into the bedroom...I think I'll go to her room and her room only, do what I need to do...and leave. I think I'll regret it so much if I don't do this. I wish that my strength would somehow allow me to get to hold her. All in all that's all that I want. I just want to hold her and feed her, and buckle her up in her carseat..and let her crawl to me...watch mickey mouse clubhouse all day...laugh, snuggle...play. It just kills me. No matter how strong I try to be, my heart is still broken. I miss hearing her sweet little voice..and that laugh! Even on my worse day that laugh would make me foreget about everything else and just laugh with her.
I have to once again thank all of my friends and family...and even the people I don't know personally that lift my husband and I up in your prayers. Please know that we still feel your love, and that we are so very thankful that you have not stopped praying. I know it's been over 2 months now...but we still hurt just as bad as we did the day it happen, but your prayers and encouragment are what get us through the day. We love each of you so very much, and thank you for all you do.

My yellow butterfly

                                                      

The first day that I went to town by myself, when Jeff went back to work...I prayed that God would give me strength to get out and take on that huge step after losing my baby girl. I was scared to death. I had been around someone 24 hours a day 7 days a week for almost a month. The first day I went out I of course had a complete fall apart. My car was too quiet. I didn't like the silence. I wanted to reach my hand in the back and let morg hold on  to my pinkie as she drooled and babbled as we were driving like she always did. I prayed..'God...PLEASE send me some kind of something to show me that she's ok, and that I'm able to do this.' I really could not picture going on in life without her..(still most days I can't.) But it was that day that God blessed me with that special something to touch my heart....a beautiful yellow butterfly. It was flying right by my car as I drove through town then flew away. I didn't think much of it at the time, but the next day as I went out to check the mail and tan....ANOTHER yellow butterfly. For about a month now EVERY SINGLE DAY God sends me a yellow butterfly in my path. Whether it be morning, or evening..I get to see my yellow butterfly. I usually see it at the toughest part of my day too, that's why I know it's a God send. Last Sunday when Jeff and I were at her spot we were laying down on the grass by her spot and here came a yellow butterfly. It's like it was circling us!! I laughed so much I cried. Then to top it off..Tuesday night we went and signed the contract on our knew home. Purchasing this new home is going to be bittersweet, but as Jeff and I stepped out of the car and started up to the front door, the biggest yellow butterfly trimmed in black was flying right next to us, like it was flying in with us...showing us "see I'm here..and I'm ok. Just keep going and be strong." We're not moving without her..she was right there with us as we made this huge step in life. I know he gave me this to prove that SEE she is just fine...I know you miss her, but be patient...She is PERFECTLY taken care of in my hands. What an honor that our Lord and Savor is holding my daughter... Am I jealous..? Yes. That's my flesh and motherly love coming out in me. I want to be holding her, and laughing with her and picking out her cute outfit every morning....

I was laying down a bit ago and my heart started racing. I HATE when this happens. It's like every morning I wake up and I realize that she's in heaven....but how she got there sometimes doesn't click. Moment by moment replayed in my head and I was just dumbfounded.... My gosh what happened? And HOW did this happen? and the biggest question is, is WHY did this happen? It doesn't get any worse than this. I know shes fine and taken care of, but when the thought of the accident replays..it hurts. BAD I watch videos of her and it's almost like shes here with me. I am so thankful that I have them. I miss my Morgy. I keep thinking this will get easier..but it's not. I miss you sweet baby...mommy loves you so much.

Answer to prayer

Well, we found out last night that the sellers accepted our offer on the house we've been looking at. I think now I'm even a bigger wreck than I was a few days ago...in the mix of sadness, anger, jealousy, heartache...a little excitement came into my heart. Moving from our old home is going to be hard, we share so many good memories there, but I know God knows our hearts, and he knows that living there is just not possible. This new house would be absolutely perfect for my baby girl. The yard is HUGE, the perfect space for a swingset and even one day a pool. Even though she's not physically with us, she will be moving into this new home too. I plan to set up her room exactly the way her old room was set up...just how it was when she was last in there. I look forward to the day where I can stare at those pink walls, and rock in my glider reading good night moon, and her baby bear bible to her. I hope the smell of her clothes and blankets doesn't ware off to fast...I will treasure them forever. Even though this is a exciting time for Jeff and I, it's going to be a tough time as well. NEVER EVER will I MOVE ON from my precious baby girl and there is no such thing as 'NORMAL'..we are simply searching for a new normal in every day and she's right here with us cheering us on. Our hearts hurt. I want to hold her SO SO SO bad. just one more kiss and giggle would be great. One day soon I'll get to meet her at heavens gate and she will be there bouncing and ready for me to pick her up!! I can not WAIT for that day to come.

Another hard day

Yesterday was a rough day. I know that I'll have them..but they still hurt. I worked later yesterday like I usually do on Mondays and at 4:15 the thought of me needing to hurry home because it's monday and jeff has morgan crossed my mind. I had to get home in time for him to leave for work...I loved mondays..it seemed like she was extra happy to see me. If I could only drive home to her and her daddy waiting there for me...it would make my day. I miss her. (that's an understatement) I would have never left her..not even for a second.. if I knew I would only get to enjoy her for almost 8 months. She was so perfect, so happy...why is she gone? I just want to be mommy...have that feeling that nobody else can fill. That feeling in your heart knowing your baby needs you, and depends on you...I miss it. The ned of the month is always tough..the 24th is just a evil number..i dread the 24th of the month now. It'll be extra hard because the 23rd is Jeffs birthday..and the 24th of this month is our anniversary...It'll be hard to celebrate. I almost don't want to have family get togethers...because part of our family is missing. The biggest part. Then, Sunday will be the 27th...she would have been 10 months. I wonder what she would be doing now..I know she'd be walking..I wonder if she would have learned any new words by now? My heart hurts...I just want her back. I know I'll get to see her again, but somedays that just doesn't make it any better. I want to be with her now...

See

Today was my second morning back to work...and believe it or not, it's not as bad as I imagined it to be. Any time I see blood I cringe and I was wondering, how in the world would I handle blood specimens all day without falling to pieces..? I'm not exactly handleing them, but I've seen them and I haven't fallen completely apart. I missed my morgy SO SO SO much during the workday, even when she was here, because that was the absolute ONLY time she was ever away from me. Never did I leave her with family...so those 7 or 8 hours I was away from her during the day KILLED me. She and her aunt amy would wave bye bye to me. It was hard..but I could watch that precious little face as I drove off in the mornings, and it motivated me to go. If I worked, we could have extra money, which meant I could do more for my daughter and I wouldn't have to worry about her NEEDING anything...

I pulled away from 'aunt amy's' house this morning leaving for work, which is now where
we are calling home(since the accident)..and I didn't see my sugerbooger watching me. It hurts. She was my motivation. I don't see the point in it now. I think work is now more of a spot where I can be around people, so I don't go completely nutty staring at 4 white walls all day. Either way, I'm blessed at that job. The people are amazing. I know I can turn to any of them any time of the day and they'll be there. I know God want's me there now, the doors wouldn't have poured open in front of me if he didn't. Perhaps it'll be part of the healing that I will need to continue on in my journey. I just continue to do moment by moment, that's all I can do. I don't want overload myself, becuase I know how easy it will be for me to fall  completely apart.                                   

Every morning I listen to Steven Curtis Chapmans' cd "Beauty will rise."  It's his cd that goes along with the book "Chosing to See". Every song on that cd is a blessing in some way..but there are 3 songs imparticular that bless me so much. Jesus will meet you there, See, and I will trust you. 'See' is what helps me get out in the morning and helps remind me that shes saying, 'See' "Mom...I'm fine, I'm still up here with Jesus, and he's letting me play with baby bunnies!!." This nightmare has turned into realization for me...It's a like the longest day at work EVER..just missing her to peices...but knowing that I will soon be home with her and get to hold and kiss her sweet little face again. She's waiting for me, just like she waited for me while I was at work. She know's that mommy will be home soon, and she's in the best care EVER. (no offense aunt amy) ;)  No sin, sickness, pain, suffering, tears...earaches, teehthing.... NOTHING! She's happily playing and waiting for me to get there with her. I praise God he's given me that peace. Somedays it doesn't make it any easier, but today it has and I am thankful.


Thank you to EVERYONE for continuing to pray. I know that's the only way Jeff and I are able to get up in the mornings and put both feet on the ground, and walk out with the amount of strength we need to make it through these tough days.

May you all be blessed for blessing us. Love to you all...


Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
And right now all I can SEE are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this pain
Is that you hear?
Laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying SEE, it's everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me
And finally you'll SEE

'See' by Steven Curtis Chapman

this is it...

well...this is it. I'm taking a leap of faith today and attempting to go back out in public. This is going to be hard, and I honestly don't even know if it'll work but all I can do is try. this weekend, has once again, been so tough for us both.   I'm filled with so many mixed emotions right now, and have to make a lot of important decesions for my husband and I. I continue to pray I do the right thing, and do the things that would honor,and make my baby proud....    Im now on chapter 27 of 'see' you all HAVE to read this book. thes last few chapters I've read is practically my story (with different names, and the accident is slightly different than ours) but it has blessed me in so many ways. Then two of the songs that steven curtis wrote while he was greiving in the time of losing his daughter, truly comfort both jeff and I. its almost as if he wrote them for us. Like someone knows exactly our thoughts and feelings.... I'd do anything to meet that woman. she now makes me strive to continue on with this journey and is a constent reminder of how there's no way I'll make it without his grace. the weekdays are somehow easier than weekends, maybe because we fall apart together and it allows satan to jump in. the guilt, the heartache, the troubling thoughts and images...they just seem to explode inside of us, and we both react totally differently. to everyone out there that has been praying please do it double doses today...post this on your wall, and help spread the word. prayer is the only thing I need right now. Everyone wants to know what they can do and finally I can put you all to work.. Have your family and friends  pray for direction, guidance, and that the lord fills our voided aching hearts with his love and grace. And that these decisons I make will be of him.. I can't lay down and die, which some days seems to be the only option, but today is the day where I pray god wraps his arms around my husband and I, and takes us where he wants us in life. may god bless you all and we praise god for the love and prayers.

Listen to this playlist: morgansmommmy's Playlist

'I'm in need of your grace today...'

Well today is my last week day off...I'm so nervous about having to go back out in public. The only time I really get out during the week by myself is to check the mail, tan, or run to the bank.which is not what I consider public. I had a major break down today while I was out, and I asked myelf, 'really tiff, are you really ready to do this?' There's only one way to find out and it's to try it out. I think work will help keep my mind going, but then again I don't know how well my mind is going to work so who knows how it'll turn out. All I can do is try. I'm blessed to have such awesome co-workers. I know that every single one of them are there to support me, and that means so much. It's going to be so strange having to drive only 25 minutes compared to the 40-45 minute journey I use to travel every morning with my morgy. Today, I reached back in the back to feel her carseat...it wasn't there. I miss that so much. I miss hitting bumps in the road and hearing her 'betty the butterfly' and 'ellie the elephant' (the little toys on her car seat jingle and sing) by the way..daddy named those toys for her. It's so quiet..I hate quiet. I want to hear her babble, and blow bubbles. I miss that so much.

Sometimes I get my mind going in one direction during the day and it's like a ton of bricks fall on me all at once and reality hits. SHES GONE!  Play by play of my life since January 24th at about 4:30 p.m...It's been THE WORST, and the LONGEST 45 days of my life. I miss our home so much. But home is not home without our sugerbooger. God willing I will not have to return home. So far we haven't and I'm so thankful for that. I'm anxious to have all of her stuff in my posession again. It will be hard, probably for a long time, but I think that's what I need to help grieve. I think I've been missing out on that...

A lady we went to church with passed away yesterday, and instead of sad and being shocked..I was jealous. How lucky is she that she gets to spend an eternity with my Morgy and it starts NOW!...I'd love to be in her shoes. I know I'll get to in God's time, and I'm realizing that my job here isn't quite done yet. Morgy's job lasted almost 8 months...I can't imagine the people that have jobs on this earth that last 88, or 108 years!!! Hopefully I'll work overtime in this life here on this earth, so I can get to her quicker than that

A friend told me to try and look for one good thing in each day...today I came across a couple of scriptures that I know I've read a million time, but they didn't hit me like they did today:

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord....
I know God has a plan for Jeff and I..and it's not to live in heartache and sorrow..he promises us a hope and a future.That's comforting.  All and all I miss my baby, and I just want to go check on her...and until I get to do that I'm just going to take it moment by moment and pray gods grace and mercy never leaves me.

choosing to see

As usual God is still giving me the strength I need moment by moment to make it through these tough days. I've been blessed with 3 different books that I believe God has sent through friends that may help guide me through this grieving process a bit easier. Or maybe just another tool too prove that I'm not the only person in this world with the anger, jealousy, heartache, and the unansweable questions on why my baby went to heaven.  I'm not much of a reader but I'm starting my life fresh in so many different ways that I figure I'd try reading in hopes for the lord to give me the peace I'm looking for, for the day. I've been praying about which book to start first and I chose  "choosing to see," by mary beth chapman. (steven curtis chapmans wife) A close friend of mine has been reading it and well actually previewing it for me making sure its not too much for me to handle right now. She's loving it too. Its the story of her coping after the tragic loss of her 5 year old daughter, which was accidentally ran over by her 17 year old son. I'm only in chapter 6 and I'm praising god that he gave this book (through a friend) to read! (Thanks susan!!) I have to share what has comforted me the most today..."No mom can come up with words to express the ripping pain of losing a child...and no words can do justice to the mysteries of God in the midst of tragedy." She was comforted by a couple of the same scriptures I've turned too. Isaiah 43:2,5...'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you..Do not be afraid ,for I am with you; I will. Bring your children from the east and gather you from the west."  I could have wrote chapter 1 and 2 of this book, and it could have came out pretty close to how I feel. Another thing that comforted me in the book was in chapter 2 she said 'it has been agonizing to chose to see God at work through the tears of losing my daughter. I have however, experienced the kindness, sweetest, faithfulness, and redemptive heart of God. I believe none of my tears have been wasted." Its like she took the words right out of my mouth!  I can't wait until I get back to it tomorrow. I was blessed today with bracelet by a friend of mine. Its a bracelet with both mine and morgys birthstones...its so pretty, and its by far one of the sweetest gifts I've received so far. Its a true blessing! Thanks so much  miss caramie!! you made my day.It's the things like  that mean the most. Also another big thanks to cassie. you continue to bless me with the words I need to hear, and motivate me to do so much, love ya and I praise God you've been there EVERYDAY, since the evening my morgy went to heaven. For everyone else, the thoughts, prayers, and encouragement is what keeps me going THANK YOU!!!

just another day

laying around is getting me no where. I think I'm going to get out for a bit (by myself) and just try to get mind on something. I wish I could turn to shopping to maybe make the day pass, but I catch myself in the baby stores or section all the time. it takes all have not to buy bows and new outfits for my morgan. I had a friend tell me last night that it seemed like God was really trying me because it seemed like yesterday was filled with so much heartache and lonliness. I believe her. its like he's saying, ok tiff make it through this part again and you'll then be able to receive the next blessing I have for you. I know I try. I stay in the word constently... I'm suppose to return to work on monday, I feel like I have so much to do before then. I don't even think I have a set of scrubs here with me where I'm staying...I'm afriad I'm going to get there and break down. Am I physically and mentally ready for this? I suppose there's only one way to find out..I dread getting back into a routine, I don't want to take my foucs off of my morgy.. It'll be tough, but I'm going to at least try to go back. during the night, last night, I put my head under my pillows and tried to think I was home in my own bed...I listend and it was silent. I could listen to morgs little heart beat and her breathe when I was at home in my own bed...I didn't hear that this time, which quickly reminded me she was gone . My mind will start going 90 miles per hour and it seems like it just explodes and I ask...my gosh what happened? How did I get here and what happened to my old life. Who would have thought that, that sunday was our last day toghether? I know she knows I love her and I pray she stays here by my side to help me along the way.

it wasn't suppose to be this way

It is days like today I could just fall apart..It's not suppose to be this way. all of my morgys friends except for miss sawyer are officially going to be here today. She will be making her big debeut around morgys birthday. baby klay was born about a week after she went to heaven, and now her friend  kyndal is being born. How am I suppose to be excited? these are my best friends children being born, and I'm  going to miss all of it. I was so excited thinking about my morgan growing up with all of these babies and it's like I've been thrown out the circle of new mommies. l will always be morgans mommy, but I can't brag with everyone  on her new accomplishments, and post pictures of all of her new achievements. I think this is one of the hardest things...everytime I see a baby my heart just melts. even during church, it takes all I have to stay sitting in the pew because I just cry and cry. Yesterday I had to pray for god to allow me to make it through church because it was pretty tough on both jeff and I. we miss her so much and just want her back. we miss being "da da, and ma ma". I have faith that God will continue to mend our hearts though.

Another big thanks for all the prayers and encouragement we love you all!

What's Normal?

I've come to the conclusion that weekends are the hardest. Why? I have no idea. The only thing I want to do is for my life to go back to normal. I want to lay in our big bed and watch mickey mouse clubhouse until lunch on saturday mornings with Morgan, as she plays with her catapiller, and giraffe in bed. I wan't to pack up the diaper bag and stroller and go off and adventure something fun with my little family...(just the 3 of us.) I want to buy a new home with a big yard so we can have so much room for all of us to grow in to. Swingsets, swimming pools,...anything that might put a smile on my daughters face. I lay here on a Saturday morning with everyone of those hopes a dreams crushed. None of that is going to happen. I think ok, I've got to get up and start trying to get my life back to 'normal.' Well I've figured it out...THERE IS  NO NORMAL ANYMORE!! My life was normal, and I would give anything for it to go back that way. I'm to the part of grieving where I'm just so frustraded, because no matter what I do things will not be normal again. Cotemplating work...it'll pass the time, but it still won't be normal. That is really going to be tough to again..(working with blood specimens.) God knows my heart though and knows what I can handle,so we will see. I'm lost. Tottally lost. I feel like my mind is slipping at times. It feels like mush. Support is great, the love and encouragement mean so much, but sometimes I just want to scream because nothing we do or say is going to bring her back. At times I wonder what I did do to deserve this? Everyone around me has their perfect little family...and that's all that I wanted. My sweet little red head to love and raise in a Godly household, and watch her do amazing things when she got older...On Weekends I think, 'Monday will be better.' I've said that for almost 6 weeks now..It's not getting better..

Keep up the prayers.


          

I believe

I've noticed I've gotten off track I wanted to start from the beginning and work my way up to the 'end' even though I realize that this is not the end, just the beginning. I think back, and I can find so many reasons to praise god. number one, he blessed me with a beautiful healthy child, one with no extra needs, or health conditions. so many people have children that have to deal with those things on a daily basis and I just praise God we didn't have to go through that. God knows what we can handle, yes I've been dealt a pretty large hand in my 22 years, but that is something I don't think I could have handled. I also got to experience several of 'the firsts', which is what I will get to hold on to forever. Her first time to hold her head up, first time to roll tummy to back and back to tummy. The first time she rode in her stroller like a big girl. Our first shopping trips. The first time she said 'da da'. even when she said 'ma ma'. Her first 2 teeth! Thanksgiving, Christmas. The list goes on and on... so many mommies miss out on those things, so he has reminded me of these things to be thankful for. My morgan will live with me forever. It seemed like yesterday was a easier day. almost scared to say that out loud, but it was. maybe because I spent the morning with my 'nanny' which has to be one of the most inspiring and uplifting people I know. I've always looked up to her because of her optimisim and her strong walk with the lord. It was like she didn't even give a second to get down on myself. I know between that and the prayers, it allowed me to have a good (yes I said good) day! Satan tries to steal my happiness and says..'You had a good day? How could a mother that just lost her baby TRAGiCALLY have a GOOD day?" Its because of Gods amazing love, and my friends that love and pray for me continuously. I'm sure there are people out there that voice their opinion about me especially the ones that are 'lost' in this world, and I'm sure they could blab off something stupid like I could have prevented this...I now really see this was God's plan. There are no accidents in the sight of the Lord. I pray I never run across a person that thinks differently... I also wanted to thank everyone for the encouragement, and for those keeping up with my blog. Also, to the ones that check on me daily and pray for us daily...by the grace of god and all of you guys will be the only way I can continue on with this life I need to live. I thank you for that.                      .           

I miss her

I woke up this morning missing my morgan so much. I miss feeding her. we had such an awesome bond, I am so glad I took the bf route because it gave us a bond that nobody else had with her. I miss waking up at 5 to feed her and to turn on and get our first dose of mickey mouse clubhouse or handy mandy for the day. I miss snuggling with my sugerbooger. I loved her laying on my chest because feeling her heartbeat always just made me feel so complete. I would catch myself at amazement staring and watching her and thanking god for my healthy perfect baby girl. she is my life. I know she is here with me, watching me, and she wants me to be happy. That's so hard to do because its the little things that I miss that somehow steals away my happiness. I know it's Satan trying me..My brain will get going and Ill begin to ask..how do I know she's really ok..or how do I know she's not missing me...? that's so hard. I put my faith into the Lord and he seems to comfort me which then gives me that peace she is fine and just waiting on me to return to her. This has open my eyes in ways my eyes would probably never open. People want to know if we want more children...I've wanted one and only one the entire time. Even when Morgan was here.she was enough!and All that I wanted. Now I really believe another child could not hold a candle to my angel. eventually, I think that new baby would get tired of me comparing him or her to their big sister. my heart is in heaven, how could I love someone else like that on earth?? I do know god is in control and his ways are greater than our ways and his thoughts are greater than our thoughts...people keep telling jeff and I that going through this will allow us to have a awesome testimony,and could even be in the ministry one day. I hope so. I would love to dedicate myself to the Lord to minister to others in some way shape form or fashion. That's really all I have to do now. I read psalm 37 last night.what a awesome psalm. I want to reach out and just slap the people,(no that's not what Jesus would do) but  especially to the ones that don't even try to have god in their lives. people, you are robbing yourself of the biggest blessing you'll ever know. better than all the money, all the cars, houses, name brand accessories...ANYTHING! we are not guaranteed that next breath of life..would you want to spend a few years on this earth with all of that 'meaningless' stuff or a life time in heaven where there is no pain sorrow or suffering because you took that step to prioritize and let the lord begin to work in yours and your families life? don't wait for another tragedy to strike to make you realise how quickly your life can end...let my situation be enough to give you that spark of faith you need to begin that relationship with your Lord. wow...I think Ill pass the plate now.. jk jk but really, it's unbelievable the blessing and love that will surround you when you do this. would it really hurt just to try? Do it for your children's sake..your life will be less hectic and out of control I promise you. My job is to make my baby proud and continue to lift people up because I DO want to spend my eternity with her. staying in this word gives me the hope and strength I need to keep going until my time does come. 

I'm ready

So, we haven been staying with our family since everything has happen,and we have decided that returning home is just not going to happen..My world (or the remains of my world) are patiently awaiting their move into morgys 'new room'. We've decided that we want to set her room back up just like we had it. wish we could leave it all untouched..but just don't think that's an option.so the next best is to leave in untouched and set up in our  new house. People may or may not think I am crazy but I've realised that 'people' are not the ones that are having to go through what we are and however we decide to cope is simply our choice and how we will do it. I don't think there is a 'right' or 'wrong' way, but honestly whatever makes us come to be a little more  at peace is what we will do. I am ready to sit in my rocker in her pink room and read her books as if she was laying there trying to chew on the book as we read..I'm ready to fold her clothes, and arrange her room just so its perfect for her. No matter how many times you hear 'she's ok'...as a mother you want to make sure. I am trying to hard not to question things, but I catch myself jealous, mad, frustrated, and most of all heartbroken on the way my angel went. why so tragically..?? Ill never understand that, but I don't think I am meant to. I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I have no plan. I have no desire for a plan. The only think I get excited about is the lord taking me home to be with my sugarbooger. when we go on sundays and visit 'her spot' It makes me yearn to have a spot next to the left of her, and jeff to the right...honestly, it wouldn't matter where my body ended up as long as my spirit was in that heavenly place playing with my angel.