dead end road

well its looking like a sleepess night for me tonight. so, I am realizing that this journey is quite a rollercoaster. I start at the very bottom and day by day by day slowly see that there may be a since of hope, and then BAM! crash back down to the very bottom again. I don't know what to expect or what to hope for these days. I try so hard to keep my faith and I know the lord has something in store for me, but its like I am never going to figure out what it is. my emotions are shot! one day I went to sleep with a baby girl that is absolutely 100 percent relying on me to do everything..and I wake up the next day with  no motherly duties what so ever.  how is a woman suppose to handle this? jeff and I are on such totally different pages of the whole 'handeling grief' matter. I have to devote my love and time into something soon and pray that god will soon show me what that something is. Nothing will get my attention or hold a candle to what morgan did in my life though. There's a hole in my heart that will not EVER be filled, until the day I'm in heaven with her.  I work..I come home, sleep, do that 4 days a week then mope around a quiet house during the weekend. I can not see myself doing this for the rest of my life.. I hate these times when I feel like this. the optimistic times are so much better. however, this is my blog, and this is what its here for..for me to tell how I feel, and have the chance to vent, and tell whatever is on my mind.