Serving*Remembering*Honoring

After taking 3 months away from blogging..journaling..etc. I have decided its time to come back. The last 3 months have been a constant battle to bring joy, show hope, and honor my baby girl in every way, shape, form, or fashion. With it all starting with the preperations of our first Wave of Light Ceremony that was held on October 15th at Clark Gardens which was hosted by our new, God given,  ministry "Blessings and Butterflies". Our first remembrance day was as beautiful as it could be. we had almost 150 people attend, and we were remembering 50 precious babies that evening. I wanted to bring a remembrance ceremony to our area for the families to come together and remember their babies that are in heaven wth my baby girl. Infant loss is souch a delicate subject, nobody knows how to handle it. But, with the love, prayers, and support from all the people around me I decided to break the silence in our area, and remember our babies out loud with so many other grieving families. Our event will be held annualy, and i pray that it continues to grow and helps strengthen those who ned it the most. our facebook group (Blessings and Butterflies) now has 360 members. I am hoping that now that ive decided to blog again the members from the group and have a place to comment, and just blog on the days they need it most. I have truly realized how my life is totally in the Lords hands..so my prayer has been and will be for him to mold me and shape me and for him to use me as his vessel, and as he sees fit. My personal walk with God has never been stronger. Never will i say i am healing, or moving forward because that would be a lie. my strength comes through christ, and my life is still lived moment by moment. looking at the big picture would overwhelm me and send me probably send me into shock. My bad days may still out number my good days, but my God has yet to leave me or forsake me. He's by my side rooting me on, and knowing my morgy is there cheering me on too makes me persevere, and live out the rest of this life bringing glory and honor to both of them.                          

Blessings and Butterflies

Blessings and Butterflies is a scholarship and memorial fund that has been started in honor of our daughter Morgan Rilee. Morgan was sent to this earth for 8 very short months to touch the lives of many people. Her death is something that none of us can truly wrap our minds around. We have chosen to see God through out this tragedy, and realize that Morgan served her purpose just like he intended ...her to. Never would we have imagined our healthy and perfect baby girl be taken from us so soon. The importance of holding onto our faith is more important now than ever before. We all have to believe that we know where Morgan is right now and that God didn't make a mistake. He didn't turn His head, He was in complete control. Morgan’s days were numbered on this earth..none of us like it but I know he will give us the strength and hope to walk out this journey. Realizing that God is God and trusting in him completely was the first step we had to take. I feel like he wants us to tell people of his amazing faithfulness, and that there is no reason why we can't continue to share the life and love of Morgan with others. We want to continue on her legacy by starting a ministry to carry on her name, and to also help other bereaved families in our area.
There is a account set up in Morgan's name at the TITAN bank in Mineral Wells, Texas.

 Titan bank 940-325-9821. Donations can also be mailed to Blessings and Butterflies P.O. Box 11 Graford, Texas 76449.
Your love and prayers still mean so much to us. Continue on in this journey with us as we build this memorial and scholarship fund and reach out to other families that have angels that have simply gone too soon.

Love, Blessings, & Butterflies,

Jeff & Tiffany Howard
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faith isnt faith till its all youre holding on to

well lots has happened since ive last posted anything. the best way that i can explain it, is, it has been a total rollercoaster. grief takes such a toll on a marriage. i would have to say there are more bad days than good. when a couple is so upset and is dealing with so many different emotions, then you through in the stressors of everyday life with work, and family..it is truly a battle. then i had a day just a few days ago where i honestly went back to the day when everything happened. i was so hysterically upset that i was throwing up. the headaches are terrible, and my body just ached. satan paid me a good visit that day. god allowed me to hear a sermon that i havent heard since i have gone through the loss of my daughter and gave me a test..lets just say i failed misserably!! satan stepped in, and i broke into a million pieces. the sermon was in luke ch 8 verse 40.. to some it up it was about a couple that had a 12 year old daughter and she ways dying. the couple fell to their knees and cried out to god. their faith was strong and they believed their daughter would be healed. what was even more fitting was that the bible said 'immidiately her flow of blood stopped.' it doesnt say anything other than she just had some sort of blood loss and no physicians could help her. this passage hit home harder than any i have ever read. jeff and i had that faith, and we did all the same things that, that couple did that day. jesus was not their physically like he was in that time in the bible, but i know his word says when two or more gather and call upon him he will be in their presence. he was there that day. i felt him. why he pulled that little 8 month old soul out of morgans body that day i will never understand. why wasnt our situation like that? he healed that little girl in luke, and that couple gave praise to the lord for saving their daughter.  jeff and i would have done the same thing. that was satans greatest oopportunity to jump in and say 'see tiff, hes not that same god..he didnt heal morgan he stole her way from you. dont trust him that he will keep his promises bc there is the proof that he wont.' i believed that for a few hours last week when i had this breakdown, but thankfully the ones that take the best care of me stepped in and prayed dillagently for me. sending me love and encouragement. just a total outpour of it. i gained my focus and hope back and realized how much god has been there even though he did call my daughter home, he has yet to just thrown me out and gave up on me. he is a god of love and compassion, and only brings us to these tragedys to grow stonger in him. however, the more you try and tune out satan and focus on what the lord has in store for you, its like that is satans golden opportunity to step in and rip you to shreds. god has sent me some amazing people to walk this new journey with and they bless me more than anyone ever has. i have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. my morgy is fine, and i want her to be proud of her mommy. i want to get to that glorious day when i hear my lord say ' well done good and faithful servent' and i will be reunited with my daughter and we can pick up right where we left off. to get there though, i must hold on tight and choose to see god in everything i come in contact with.

pause

i can not believe this month will be 6 months since my morgy went home to be with the lord. everyday i have a new perspective on things however i am still in total awe that i am even doing all of this. this is not how it was suppose to be. i noticed the other day that it is truly like our life is on pause right now. theres no rewinding and no fastforwarding. in church the other morning i was watching all the little ones that are younger than morgy and they are all standiing and walking and talking..and then here i am stuck on pause with my life going no where. i have no idea what is instore for jeff and i, and if it is even gods will for us to continue this journey with another child.  But, i know that something is going to have to fill this spot that is aside of morgys spot in my heart. this spot is filled with lonelliness and hurt and whether it be a  task, or challenge..or perhaps even caring for a child its going to have to happen. Which i know will in gods time. im ready to push play and finish out this journey in this life. I am even contemplating going back to school. I have to focus on something so my mind doesnt constantly wonder.  sitting here on pause is not going to get me very far, and the pain is not easing much. - I would also like to ask for extra prayers for jeff. It seems like he was doing better months ago than what he is now. This tragedy has taken such a toll on us and our marriage but i know it is something prayer can fix. miss you so much morgy girl. my life will never be the same without you. when we are reunited all will be well.

If only it weren't a dream

Tuesday ninght i came home exhausted from work and I told jeff right after we ate that I thought I was going to go ahead and go to sleep. Even though it was still light out..I got ready for bed and crashed. I usually take my medicine everynight before going to bed, however, for some reason that night I was just focus on going straight to sleep and forgot to take it. I've never forgotten to take it since everything has happend. I dreamed all night long. I had a dream that night that Morgan came back. How she got here I don't know, but I know I had her in my arms, and I was going everywhere to show her off and show everyone that she was ok, and that God healed her, and that shes back now with us. IT WAS ALL SO SO SO REAL. I remember in the dream we were at my Nannys and now that we are just the next road over from her I told Jeff to stay right there with and hold her becuse I had to run home and get her diaper bag, (which is in her closet).  I grabbed the bag, filled it with new diapers, wipes, and clothes...all of which are perfectly put in her dresser right now in her room. Once it was all filled I hurried back to Nanny's and there she was all smiles and even standing!! We were all so excited because she was standing, and smiling, and even talking some. She kept saying mommy, and 'wuv you', it was perfect!! I snatched her up and laid her down so I could change her diaper and put on a new outfit. I soon realized that the outfits which I have from when she went to heaven were 6-9 month clothes, and she would now be 13 months on this earth she was too long and I couldn't snap the buttons on her outfit so I told jeff that we were going to have to go shopping. The next thing I remember is that I wanted to take her swimming. I think this part came from the other day I was wondering around the baby section at the store the other day and it hit me that we never got to swim together..she would have loved that. All the swimsuits, and the little swimmer diapers...Thats one thing we never got to put her in. Anways, in the dream we had it all and I remember saying she finally gets to wear her swimsuit. She got to swim with her friend Roxy, and it was perfect. I know God gave me this dream to show me that she is fine, and give me comfort by showing me that shes ok in heaven, but if she were here on earth still, this is what she would look like and be doing. This is the pain that has been making my heart hurt the most lately. Seeing everyone else getting to cotinue on with their lives, as my life is on pause. Its tough. All of these childeren that are younger than morgan are sitting, and standing..and even talking a little. Which means Morgan would more than likely be above and beyond some of those accomplishments. That hole in my heart that I will live with until I'm reunited with her in heaven, was filled in that dream..I felt it the next mornging going from filled to broke again in moments. As you can imagine I did NOT want to get up that day. I wanted to close my eyes and continuing dreaming for the rest of my life. Even though the things we did in that dream were simple little things, they meant the world to me. Thank you Lord for being such an compasionate God, and giving me this dream knowing how much it would comfort my heart. Mommy Loves you Morgan Rilee!

I Will Carry You

The last few days have, as usual, been a rollercoster. bad, bad, good, ok,...who knows what tomorrow holds. I do know that I have felt God comforting my heart many times this week. I came across a new book called, "I Will Carry You." It is about a relationship so intimate with God that it carves a safe place for crises of faith, for faith proved geuine and for divine callings willed, sealed, and fulfilled. It is a mother's moving story that is actually a true writer. It's about a mom that at 18 weeks pregnant with her fourth daughter, Audre, the doctors discovered conditions leaving Audrey "incompatible with life." She was faced with the decsion whether to termiate the pregnancy, however, her and her husband chose to carry Audrey for as long as she had life. I'd reccomed it to all of you mommies that have lost a child. No matter the death you have been dealt with. I even plan on sharing this book with a couple of the girls I am closests too. VERY GOOD BOOK SO FAR!

The last few days alot has been laid on the table. I really feel like God is preparing my heart for what he has in store for us later on down the road. He's still working on Jeff and I at different times..hint the stress and the off balace we have at times with our emotions...BUT none the less, he is at work! I am surrounded by people at every moment of the day that lifts me up. I work with some amazing ladies, and the support and the comfort they've given me this week is simply amazing! I know talking about Morgan usually makes most people cry, but I could talk about her 24/7. I'm not sayig I won't cry any during that time, but it feels right, and it feels good to talk about Morgan. I know she's happy to how much her mommy has 'opened up' to close friends, and now even co-workers. I'm blessed! Monday evening I had a rough day, and I shared this with my Facebook friends, but I must tell it one more time. I parked my car under the carport and got out the car, and somethig flew right ito the side of my face!! It was a HUGE yellow and black butterfly. I didn't know what it was so on instinct i was swatting until i caught a glimpse of what it was. She was welcoming me home and running up to me to give me kisses. Butterfly kisses at that!! My sweet girl..she is my motivation. I want her to be proud, and I want to spend eternity with my angel. Some days are tuff, or should I say MOST days are tuff..but God is at work on me, ad he is getting me through these tuff times.

dead end road

well its looking like a sleepess night for me tonight. so, I am realizing that this journey is quite a rollercoaster. I start at the very bottom and day by day by day slowly see that there may be a since of hope, and then BAM! crash back down to the very bottom again. I don't know what to expect or what to hope for these days. I try so hard to keep my faith and I know the lord has something in store for me, but its like I am never going to figure out what it is. my emotions are shot! one day I went to sleep with a baby girl that is absolutely 100 percent relying on me to do everything..and I wake up the next day with  no motherly duties what so ever.  how is a woman suppose to handle this? jeff and I are on such totally different pages of the whole 'handeling grief' matter. I have to devote my love and time into something soon and pray that god will soon show me what that something is. Nothing will get my attention or hold a candle to what morgan did in my life though. There's a hole in my heart that will not EVER be filled, until the day I'm in heaven with her.  I work..I come home, sleep, do that 4 days a week then mope around a quiet house during the weekend. I can not see myself doing this for the rest of my life.. I hate these times when I feel like this. the optimistic times are so much better. however, this is my blog, and this is what its here for..for me to tell how I feel, and have the chance to vent, and tell whatever is on my mind.