faith isnt faith till its all youre holding on to

well lots has happened since ive last posted anything. the best way that i can explain it, is, it has been a total rollercoaster. grief takes such a toll on a marriage. i would have to say there are more bad days than good. when a couple is so upset and is dealing with so many different emotions, then you through in the stressors of everyday life with work, and family..it is truly a battle. then i had a day just a few days ago where i honestly went back to the day when everything happened. i was so hysterically upset that i was throwing up. the headaches are terrible, and my body just ached. satan paid me a good visit that day. god allowed me to hear a sermon that i havent heard since i have gone through the loss of my daughter and gave me a test..lets just say i failed misserably!! satan stepped in, and i broke into a million pieces. the sermon was in luke ch 8 verse 40.. to some it up it was about a couple that had a 12 year old daughter and she ways dying. the couple fell to their knees and cried out to god. their faith was strong and they believed their daughter would be healed. what was even more fitting was that the bible said 'immidiately her flow of blood stopped.' it doesnt say anything other than she just had some sort of blood loss and no physicians could help her. this passage hit home harder than any i have ever read. jeff and i had that faith, and we did all the same things that, that couple did that day. jesus was not their physically like he was in that time in the bible, but i know his word says when two or more gather and call upon him he will be in their presence. he was there that day. i felt him. why he pulled that little 8 month old soul out of morgans body that day i will never understand. why wasnt our situation like that? he healed that little girl in luke, and that couple gave praise to the lord for saving their daughter.  jeff and i would have done the same thing. that was satans greatest oopportunity to jump in and say 'see tiff, hes not that same god..he didnt heal morgan he stole her way from you. dont trust him that he will keep his promises bc there is the proof that he wont.' i believed that for a few hours last week when i had this breakdown, but thankfully the ones that take the best care of me stepped in and prayed dillagently for me. sending me love and encouragement. just a total outpour of it. i gained my focus and hope back and realized how much god has been there even though he did call my daughter home, he has yet to just thrown me out and gave up on me. he is a god of love and compassion, and only brings us to these tragedys to grow stonger in him. however, the more you try and tune out satan and focus on what the lord has in store for you, its like that is satans golden opportunity to step in and rip you to shreds. god has sent me some amazing people to walk this new journey with and they bless me more than anyone ever has. i have the best friends and family a girl could ask for. my morgy is fine, and i want her to be proud of her mommy. i want to get to that glorious day when i hear my lord say ' well done good and faithful servent' and i will be reunited with my daughter and we can pick up right where we left off. to get there though, i must hold on tight and choose to see god in everything i come in contact with.

pause

i can not believe this month will be 6 months since my morgy went home to be with the lord. everyday i have a new perspective on things however i am still in total awe that i am even doing all of this. this is not how it was suppose to be. i noticed the other day that it is truly like our life is on pause right now. theres no rewinding and no fastforwarding. in church the other morning i was watching all the little ones that are younger than morgy and they are all standiing and walking and talking..and then here i am stuck on pause with my life going no where. i have no idea what is instore for jeff and i, and if it is even gods will for us to continue this journey with another child.  But, i know that something is going to have to fill this spot that is aside of morgys spot in my heart. this spot is filled with lonelliness and hurt and whether it be a  task, or challenge..or perhaps even caring for a child its going to have to happen. Which i know will in gods time. im ready to push play and finish out this journey in this life. I am even contemplating going back to school. I have to focus on something so my mind doesnt constantly wonder.  sitting here on pause is not going to get me very far, and the pain is not easing much. - I would also like to ask for extra prayers for jeff. It seems like he was doing better months ago than what he is now. This tragedy has taken such a toll on us and our marriage but i know it is something prayer can fix. miss you so much morgy girl. my life will never be the same without you. when we are reunited all will be well.

If only it weren't a dream

Tuesday ninght i came home exhausted from work and I told jeff right after we ate that I thought I was going to go ahead and go to sleep. Even though it was still light out..I got ready for bed and crashed. I usually take my medicine everynight before going to bed, however, for some reason that night I was just focus on going straight to sleep and forgot to take it. I've never forgotten to take it since everything has happend. I dreamed all night long. I had a dream that night that Morgan came back. How she got here I don't know, but I know I had her in my arms, and I was going everywhere to show her off and show everyone that she was ok, and that God healed her, and that shes back now with us. IT WAS ALL SO SO SO REAL. I remember in the dream we were at my Nannys and now that we are just the next road over from her I told Jeff to stay right there with and hold her becuse I had to run home and get her diaper bag, (which is in her closet).  I grabbed the bag, filled it with new diapers, wipes, and clothes...all of which are perfectly put in her dresser right now in her room. Once it was all filled I hurried back to Nanny's and there she was all smiles and even standing!! We were all so excited because she was standing, and smiling, and even talking some. She kept saying mommy, and 'wuv you', it was perfect!! I snatched her up and laid her down so I could change her diaper and put on a new outfit. I soon realized that the outfits which I have from when she went to heaven were 6-9 month clothes, and she would now be 13 months on this earth she was too long and I couldn't snap the buttons on her outfit so I told jeff that we were going to have to go shopping. The next thing I remember is that I wanted to take her swimming. I think this part came from the other day I was wondering around the baby section at the store the other day and it hit me that we never got to swim together..she would have loved that. All the swimsuits, and the little swimmer diapers...Thats one thing we never got to put her in. Anways, in the dream we had it all and I remember saying she finally gets to wear her swimsuit. She got to swim with her friend Roxy, and it was perfect. I know God gave me this dream to show me that she is fine, and give me comfort by showing me that shes ok in heaven, but if she were here on earth still, this is what she would look like and be doing. This is the pain that has been making my heart hurt the most lately. Seeing everyone else getting to cotinue on with their lives, as my life is on pause. Its tough. All of these childeren that are younger than morgan are sitting, and standing..and even talking a little. Which means Morgan would more than likely be above and beyond some of those accomplishments. That hole in my heart that I will live with until I'm reunited with her in heaven, was filled in that dream..I felt it the next mornging going from filled to broke again in moments. As you can imagine I did NOT want to get up that day. I wanted to close my eyes and continuing dreaming for the rest of my life. Even though the things we did in that dream were simple little things, they meant the world to me. Thank you Lord for being such an compasionate God, and giving me this dream knowing how much it would comfort my heart. Mommy Loves you Morgan Rilee!