I Will Carry You

The last few days have, as usual, been a rollercoster. bad, bad, good, ok,...who knows what tomorrow holds. I do know that I have felt God comforting my heart many times this week. I came across a new book called, "I Will Carry You." It is about a relationship so intimate with God that it carves a safe place for crises of faith, for faith proved geuine and for divine callings willed, sealed, and fulfilled. It is a mother's moving story that is actually a true writer. It's about a mom that at 18 weeks pregnant with her fourth daughter, Audre, the doctors discovered conditions leaving Audrey "incompatible with life." She was faced with the decsion whether to termiate the pregnancy, however, her and her husband chose to carry Audrey for as long as she had life. I'd reccomed it to all of you mommies that have lost a child. No matter the death you have been dealt with. I even plan on sharing this book with a couple of the girls I am closests too. VERY GOOD BOOK SO FAR!

The last few days alot has been laid on the table. I really feel like God is preparing my heart for what he has in store for us later on down the road. He's still working on Jeff and I at different times..hint the stress and the off balace we have at times with our emotions...BUT none the less, he is at work! I am surrounded by people at every moment of the day that lifts me up. I work with some amazing ladies, and the support and the comfort they've given me this week is simply amazing! I know talking about Morgan usually makes most people cry, but I could talk about her 24/7. I'm not sayig I won't cry any during that time, but it feels right, and it feels good to talk about Morgan. I know she's happy to how much her mommy has 'opened up' to close friends, and now even co-workers. I'm blessed! Monday evening I had a rough day, and I shared this with my Facebook friends, but I must tell it one more time. I parked my car under the carport and got out the car, and somethig flew right ito the side of my face!! It was a HUGE yellow and black butterfly. I didn't know what it was so on instinct i was swatting until i caught a glimpse of what it was. She was welcoming me home and running up to me to give me kisses. Butterfly kisses at that!! My sweet girl..she is my motivation. I want her to be proud, and I want to spend eternity with my angel. Some days are tuff, or should I say MOST days are tuff..but God is at work on me, ad he is getting me through these tuff times.

dead end road

well its looking like a sleepess night for me tonight. so, I am realizing that this journey is quite a rollercoaster. I start at the very bottom and day by day by day slowly see that there may be a since of hope, and then BAM! crash back down to the very bottom again. I don't know what to expect or what to hope for these days. I try so hard to keep my faith and I know the lord has something in store for me, but its like I am never going to figure out what it is. my emotions are shot! one day I went to sleep with a baby girl that is absolutely 100 percent relying on me to do everything..and I wake up the next day with  no motherly duties what so ever.  how is a woman suppose to handle this? jeff and I are on such totally different pages of the whole 'handeling grief' matter. I have to devote my love and time into something soon and pray that god will soon show me what that something is. Nothing will get my attention or hold a candle to what morgan did in my life though. There's a hole in my heart that will not EVER be filled, until the day I'm in heaven with her.  I work..I come home, sleep, do that 4 days a week then mope around a quiet house during the weekend. I can not see myself doing this for the rest of my life.. I hate these times when I feel like this. the optimistic times are so much better. however, this is my blog, and this is what its here for..for me to tell how I feel, and have the chance to vent, and tell whatever is on my mind.

A hole in my heart

Last thursday evening I took a step forward and decided it was time for me to try something new so I joined a support group. Every 2nd Thursday of the month Christian bereaved mothers meet in this group..which is called 'A Hole In My Heart.' Last Thursday the daddys were invited too, because there was a guest speaker which was a bereaved father in honor of fathers day being this month..so thankfully, Jeff got to join me!At first, I wasn't fond of meeting a bunch of strangers and watching me bawl like a baby while I try and get through my 'story', but God once again gave me the amount of strentgh that I needed and I overcame it!! I met about 10 moms that evening and 2 dads that has lost a child. And FINALLY i met a couple of moms with younger..(not infants) but younger childern that the cause of death was tragic and accidetal. So many times I explain to people that my daughters death was such a shock, such a tragedy..nobody EVER saw something like this happening. Not that it makes in any easier to live with, but,  mothers with childern that have a disease or illness does not ever like to think of their child meeting Jesus before they get to, but the thought has to cross their mind that it could happen. Morgan's death was so...UNREAL! I don't think anyone could have thought something like this could happen.. Living with the images, and grief is something I've learned I will be dealing with for the rest of my life here on this earth. The majority of the Moms in this group lost thier child around 15+ years ago, and they seem to still be greiving as bad as I am, ad it's not even hit the 5 month anniversary yet for me. It's bittersweet. To see that the other moms did raise other childern, however no matter how much time and how many events have taken place since they lost their child, they still have 'a hole in their heart.' I believe that this is a start to something new in my journey, and pray that it will comfort my heart in some way.

Remembering the life and love of Morgan Rilee

 

We are finally all moved in, and I finally have internet again!! Bloging on my phone is to tedious...so I'm  glad our internet is all installed and I am finally able to blog again! Since the last blog a couple of major things have taken place. Hopefully I can catch up and get back to bloging at least once a week again. I have good days..and bad days...and  to be honest theres a little of both in each day. No day is totally good or bad..Things are all taken moment by moment. I'll start off on when we celebrated the life and love of my baby girl on what would have been her 1st birthday on Friday, May 27th. We were truly surrouded by love and comfort from all of the people that mean the most to us. From the prayers, and kind words, to the presents, and tears we shared with everyone, it made that day truly special. Our Morgy got to celebrate her 1st birthday sitting in the lap of our Lord..eating the absolute best cake and ice cream heaven has! Other than in my arms...there is honestly no other place that could beat that. Every single day since Morgan wen to heave I've seen a yellow butterfly..(most people know this story) So my dear fried Cassie and my sister inlaw Amy suprised me and ordered 12 live yellow butterflies for us to release at the party, and tee shirts that had morgans name on them with a butterfly. We had an amazing turn out that evening. Everyone had a good time, and even though I think we all shed a tear or should I say TEARS that evening we enjoyed the compay and enjoyed remembering the life and love we shared with my sweet baby girl  over her short 8 months on this earth. There were may times that day whe Satan was trying to take over...I caught myself in a major breakdown right before it was time to get ready for everyone to come over. I kept myself busy all morning and majority of the afternoon and I nonticed that everything was going PERFECT! Never have I planned a event when not one problem came up. God blessed me. This day was everything I had imagined it would have been..except the biggest part was missing. The cupcakes were adorable, my sweet friend misti did AMAZING on the shirts, and the balloons, the butterflies were perfect, the bounce house arrived on time, and we had an entire house/yard full of friends and loved ones all piled in our beautiful new home...This was what I had dreamed of my baby girls first birthday..but her smiling face wasn't here. There was no high cair with her own cake, and watching her get to make a mess eating her cake..she didn't get to open presents, or giggle and laugh with all the other kiddos.. It was far from easy to get through this, but once again, God gave me strength and reminded me of how happy she is there in Heaven, and enjoy this time because she is truly ecstatic where she is...Thank you all so much for everything you did for us that day. It means so much for you to share that day with us.