Numb

This morning woke up with a feeling I haven't felt yet...numb. I think that is the word I'm looking for. I woke up this morning  feeling rested which to most people they would say well isn't that a good thing? I haven't 'rested' good in 17 or 18 months (pregnancy included) because that's just part of being a mom. My schedule of waking up every 3-4 hours is slowly leaving..last night I slept straight through the night for the first time in months. I miss that exhaustion of getting up to feed her, even those last couple of late  nights morgan and I had as she was cutting teeth. At that point in time all I wanted was for us to sleep and now all I want to do is hear her crying for me so I can run in and hold her and love on her and rock her back to sleep. I would give all that have and was ever going to have to have her back. most days god gives me the strength to be a inspiration to others today I think he is giving me a day off to greive today. A month has gone bý now and I know people are thinking 'my gosh she has to get out, and is going to have to continue on with life...' my morgan was my life. I worked so she could have the extras in life and the best of the best, I managed our finances around her and saved and penny pinched so she could be in whatever she wanted to be in when she got older..or having the peace of mind that  we would still be ok and able to take care of her if something did happen to one of our jobs. The desire is gone. Nothing I do is going to bring her back and that kills me. I try to go out to the store or to dinner with jeff and it seems like everywhere we go they're are babies. I realize it's not the rest of the worlds fault that we lost our precious daugther but my goodness why are there are so many babies in our path..? And even look like  morgans age..? We run into  babies in carseats, babies in strollers, babies laughing, or crying, on TV, and the parents just oohing and aweing over them, just like we use to with Morg. I miss that, I miss carrying a diaper bag, or feeling like we are moving because of the amount of stuff piled with us just when we went  grocery shopping. I am empty handed and its an awful feeling. My daugther motivated me to do so much, without her that motivation has vanished. Then there are the images. I know satan is there to still kill and destroy and let me tell you, he's dang good at it. He taunts me of those images of the blood, of the paramedics running out my front door with my baby bleeding, and of my husband screaming She's NOT breathing!!!.... ugh. I really didn't want to get to this part just yet but my fingers just won't quit typing. I know my baby is fine now though. She never even saw sin. God sent me a image of her the night she left playing in flowes and had a baby bunny, and she was bouncing on her butt excited and giggling, just like she would do when I walked through that door everyday and she saw her 'MaMa" My princess is fine,she's in the hands of Jesus!! and just waiting on her daddy and I to join her,and I pray that, that day will come soon.