lord give me strength

well we are finally moved in. and just as I had imagined I am already lost as to what is next. this week is by far going to be the toughest week We've had to go through since January. my baby girl would have turned 1 friday. a year ago god blessed me with my angel and she was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. 9 months of a perfect pregnancy and then being blessed with a perfectly happy and healthy baby..god surely blessed us.from that moment on my dreams and ambitions for morgan began. I just knew we would have a lifetime of happiness and love and the joys of being called mommy and daddy forever. never ever would I have thought a year ago from that day would  be planning her first birthday party without her. I'm not even sure if this is really what I want to do, but we will soon see. we have decided to celebrate the 27th, with our closests family and friends and remember the love and joy morgan brought to each of us this time last year, and the 8 months she spent her time here on this earth with us. I am still in total shock and disbeief that this has even happened after the planning and tears  that this week will bring I have a feeling that this will be it for a while.my brain has to stay focused or it tends to wonder in places it  and the thoughts, and guilt  all start replay. from this side of things it seems as if the light is getting further and further away from the tunnell. I just see a very dark nothing when I look to the end. I have no clue what god has instore for jeff and I, and deep down I know he's not going to leave us here to suffer..but just not knowing what we want for the future is just mind boggeling. Everyday have a different aspect on how to handle things. some days are more positive than others, but the days that are dark and devistating are hard to see past. I pray for strenth this week..and honestly every week..but there is nothing I want more than to see my morgan on her birthday. I love you sweet girl. and mommy prays that our day is coming soon.

Shoes

A good friend of mine sent this to me and I decided to read it again on this mothers day...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am..
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

spring is coming

the name of one of my favorite scc songs... I have managed to fall WAY behind on my blogging yet again! It seems like  I anm trying to stay so busy that I somehow forget to do some of the things I enjoy most. noticed  that if my brain ever goes to 'idle mode' that is when satan comes in and does his best. The regrets, the guilt..- should have done this, or could have done that...its almost like  time stops for a moment and have to ask myself..did this really happen. It all sounds so far fetched..never would have thought this would have happened to my baby girl. as a mother you keep you babies far away from harms way..so how did this happen? wish the comfort of knowing thgat will get to hold her again would stay burning in my heart and mind constently with no interuption, but sometimes get so caught up in the moment that I get so frustrated that I don't focus on that. I just want her back..I beg and plead god that Ill never put her down if he just gives her back to me...Sunday is mothers day, and It would be a blessinf to hold my baby girl on that day. It will be tough..Ill never get those sweet little cards and hugs and kisses on this earth from morgan.. it just kills me. I continue to hold on to my faith in the lord, because know that he is truly the only one that is going to allow me to keep on and finish out what he has  for me on this earth. On a brighter note...god has truly blessed jeff and I. not only with hope and encouragement, but with a beautiful new home!! this is something we have prayed for, for sometime now. of course never did we imagine setting up morgans room with no morgan..but he gave us the strength to do this and for that I am thankful. its exactly the way I had it at home! The smells are even still there!! I go to her room and rock in our glider and just pray and pray. Its a place I have needed for 3 months now. we are fixing the house up with new paint and  new floors, and filling it with new furniture. we want this to be a fresh new start and I am so very thankful for the opportunity to be able to do this. god has truly blessed us. Thanks to all for the continued love and prayers...