another sleepless night

well its looking like I am going to have another sleepless night tonight. all can picture tonight is flashes of the hospital. as much as know that god is in control, I'd like to know the full medical reason on why they weren't able to save my morgy. I know that it was simply not Gods will...but why did they not even give cooks a chance? I still don't think in any shape to hear the answer to these questions that I have, but - don't think that it hurts for me to ask them. My emotions are shot tonight. the last few days have been so good. almost scary they are so good. its like waiting around for the next chapter of my life to begin. I have no idea which direction to go in, and it feels like for some reason I am drawing closer and closer back to square one. I am praying that today will help. We are taking on something we haven't tried yet, and I pray its what my husband needs to break out of his shell and let some of his emotion go. Its like we have this new home were fixing to move into...but like life is going backwards instead of forwards. jeff and have already lived the part of life as getting a new home and making that house into a home together...and then eventually starting a family. the next time we were suppose to mmove into a new home was suppose to be as a family of3...not just back to jeff and I. I know God's ways are higher than our ways...but why does it seem like instead of prospering and flourishing in life, like most people get to indure...that we are going backwards??? This new home was suppose to be filled with family time..it was where my babies were to be raised, and h their first sleepovers, and birthday parties...now we have the home...but nothing to go with it. I love just putting my heart down on 'paper' it gives since of peace that nobody else can give. Even though I know that it was simply not God's will for morgy to live past 8 months...I still have a hard time on understanding what I am suppose to do next.