Thankful

I woke up this morning with a clean slate. I prayed my week would be nothing like my weekend has been, because I was beyond my breaking point all weekend. I was doing so good until friday and it seemed like I'm startinng from square one...God has sent me a new friend throughout this, a person who I knew, just never talked to, and definitely was not a person I would consider turning to before. She has been here with open arms and checks on me daily and I am so thankful for her. She knows who she is and pray the lord continues to give her patience and strength as we continue on this journey. She's been here when other friends I thought would be here haven't. I realise that people are busy..who isn't? She's a mother, a hard worker, and a wife, but she takes the time to send me encouraging words and has checked on me every single day since my Morgan went to be with Jesus. Praise God for new friends! I know I wouldn't be trying as hard if it wasn't for your inspiration and love.        I would also like to take this time to say thanks to my family. The ones that have done so much for us and prays for us daily..we love you and thank you even if we don't say it everyday. To my sister and brother inlaw...even if you don't see this THANK YALL. They've given us a place to live because we decided we won't be returnig to our home. yes there are so many good memories, but I cold never  step foot in that bedroom again for as long as I live. We love you both and pray for Gods blessings to pour out on you. praying this week we will be filled of blessings from God, and pray that Satan stays far far away.

This is not getting any easier

This morning has been another rough morning. I had a pretty big breakdown because I am constantly catching myself anticipating things that we planned on doing with Morgan. It was very seldom that the 3 of us would just sit around on a Weekend. We would always have plans to go out and enjoy ourselves as a family. We could not wait to get to take her to the Zoo. The day before she went to heaven Jeff and I was planning a zoo trip. She was finally at that age where she noticed things happening around her, and responded to animals and noises. We knew that as soon as the weather was warmer we would be headed to the Zoo. Today the weather here is GORGEOUS. Spring is coming and this was the weather we had been waiting on so Morgan could get out and enjoy it with us. I've laid in bed for too long this morning. I laid there thinking, ok it's the weekend and its beautiful it would be a perfect day for us to go out and take Morgan in the stroller and do something fun. Except....my baby is not here, and she won't be coming back. Satan has thrown awful thoughts to me the last couple of days, like 'you know if you would have just picked her up, this would have never happen.' Or..'what kind of parent are you to let this tragedy happen to your baby.' I pray that the Lord will speak the devil out of me because I know that what happened to Morgan, God did allow...why I'll never know. Why like this? Why did he not give me a heads up? How did this even happen? This is simply NOT getting any easier!!
Today is Sunday and it's the day we get to go visit "Morgy's Spot." I refuse to use the "c" word because my baby should not be in a "c." Amy got me out yesterday...I HAD to get out the house, I just could not quit crying. But we printed off off over 400 pictures in all of Morgan. I still have over 1500 on my cell phone, and who knows how many are saved to my cameras memory that I still haven't printed. I took so many pictures, but I don't feel like I took enough. How was I suppose to know I needed to take a lifetime of pictures in only 7 months? Today, she would be 9 months. I KNOW that she would be walking and saying 'MA MA' loud and clear by now. She did finally say 'MA MA' the night before she went to be with the Lord. I got SO excited, Jeff was excited, and Morgan just giggled because she knew that she had it in her, she just proved to us to she knew how to say it. Oh to hear her laugh again...I have videos, THANK GOD, but just to tickle her little belly and watch her daddy do 'inky binky bonky' with her...just one more time.
God PLEASE make this easier! I feel like the strength I had over the last few weeks is slipping. I'm afraid that people are going to forget her..Everywhere I go I just want to run up to them and tell them that I AM a daughter to the prettiest little girl EVER, and her name is Morgan. I can't take her in to restaurants, or stores, and have people 'oohing' over her like I once was able to. Now I walk in and a stranger has know idea that I'm a mommy...I just hate this feeling.

I praise God for all of the people that lift me up and encourage me in any way, shape, form, or fashion. Whether it be on this blog,  my facebook, or by text...You guys will never know what it means to me. I know prayers are still being sent up, but please continue, because I feel that, that is the only way God gives me the amount of strength  that I need to make it through these LONG days...

I've been wanting to share a picture of 'Morgy's Spot', but I don't want that being the picture people remember when they think of my daughter..I want it to be her smiling, or silly face! Maybe one day I'll put a picture of it on here..

    

Numb

This morning woke up with a feeling I haven't felt yet...numb. I think that is the word I'm looking for. I woke up this morning  feeling rested which to most people they would say well isn't that a good thing? I haven't 'rested' good in 17 or 18 months (pregnancy included) because that's just part of being a mom. My schedule of waking up every 3-4 hours is slowly leaving..last night I slept straight through the night for the first time in months. I miss that exhaustion of getting up to feed her, even those last couple of late  nights morgan and I had as she was cutting teeth. At that point in time all I wanted was for us to sleep and now all I want to do is hear her crying for me so I can run in and hold her and love on her and rock her back to sleep. I would give all that have and was ever going to have to have her back. most days god gives me the strength to be a inspiration to others today I think he is giving me a day off to greive today. A month has gone bý now and I know people are thinking 'my gosh she has to get out, and is going to have to continue on with life...' my morgan was my life. I worked so she could have the extras in life and the best of the best, I managed our finances around her and saved and penny pinched so she could be in whatever she wanted to be in when she got older..or having the peace of mind that  we would still be ok and able to take care of her if something did happen to one of our jobs. The desire is gone. Nothing I do is going to bring her back and that kills me. I try to go out to the store or to dinner with jeff and it seems like everywhere we go they're are babies. I realize it's not the rest of the worlds fault that we lost our precious daugther but my goodness why are there are so many babies in our path..? And even look like  morgans age..? We run into  babies in carseats, babies in strollers, babies laughing, or crying, on TV, and the parents just oohing and aweing over them, just like we use to with Morg. I miss that, I miss carrying a diaper bag, or feeling like we are moving because of the amount of stuff piled with us just when we went  grocery shopping. I am empty handed and its an awful feeling. My daugther motivated me to do so much, without her that motivation has vanished. Then there are the images. I know satan is there to still kill and destroy and let me tell you, he's dang good at it. He taunts me of those images of the blood, of the paramedics running out my front door with my baby bleeding, and of my husband screaming She's NOT breathing!!!.... ugh. I really didn't want to get to this part just yet but my fingers just won't quit typing. I know my baby is fine now though. She never even saw sin. God sent me a image of her the night she left playing in flowes and had a baby bunny, and she was bouncing on her butt excited and giggling, just like she would do when I walked through that door everyday and she saw her 'MaMa" My princess is fine,she's in the hands of Jesus!! and just waiting on her daddy and I to join her,and I pray that, that day will come soon. 

Time Flies..(one month)

People always told me 'enjoy every second because they grow so fast..' you really don't take that in, until you begin to watch them grow. Man it flies by! They start to hold their head up, then they start babeling, then the start trying to get their balance to sit up, and at 7 and half months Morgan was already trying to pull herself up! So to you new parents that hear this.. it's true! They do grow so so fast, and now I say enjoy it even more because you never know what God has in store for your little one.
   


Speaking of time flying by...The last month has been a total blur. It's now been one month since I've gotten to hold my sugarbooger. Never once did I leave her overnight with a family or friends, and I had the mentality that if she wasn't able to go with me then I didn't need to be there. She was with us 24/7. Like I've said before, she needed me, and I needed her. So now that I actually look at a calendar and see that a month has gone by I wonder where did the time go? It's honestly like I've slept through the last month. It still seems like it all should still just be a dream..or a nightmare in my case. I keep thinking that I'll wake up and things will go back to normal.. Saying that I miss her so so much is an understatement. That gut wrenching feeeling in my heart and stomach still hurts just as bad as it did the moment I heard the words "I'm sorry, there's just nothing else we can do." I know they say time will heal, but I'm afaid nothing will heal this hurt, until the day Jesus takes me home to be with my Morgy..

Lets start from the beginning

I've thought and thought how I'd like to start this and I feel that's it's best to start from the beginning. Perhaps going down memory lane of the past 7 months will be somewhat of a healing to my heart, rather than starting at the end of my baby girls life here with me...

How it all began..Jeff and I have been together for a little over 7 years and have been married for almost 4. Next month (  the 24th :(  ) will actually be our 4 year anniversary. Here is a picture of us two love birds on that special day and one picture us on our honeymoon in Florida...

 

We enjoyed almost 2 1/2 years of being newlyweds before the Lord decided to bless us with our little angel. We found out that we were going to have a baby on the 30th of September of '09. Jeff left work because I told him I had something very important for him at home.We were on cloud nine!! We were finally going to be 'MOMMY AND DADDY'!!!! The nine months of a perfect pregnancy FLEW by and I spent every moment preparing for Morgans big day...

May 27 2010 was by far the best day of my life. That little miracle that I took care of inside of me for 9 months finally made her big debut! I was induced so everything was ready and waiting for us to get back home. I am so thankful that I did get the best of the best of so many things because I'd never would have known that she'd only get to enjoy everything here with me for such a short time. Jeff and I worked so hard getting her room ready. It was BEAUTIFUL! The perfect spot my Morgan. Here are a couple pictures of her room...

She was born on a Thursday and we came home on a Sunday. Our min pin 'Sadie' was anxiously awaiting our arrival when we got home. This was it..we were home, we were a family..and it was AWESOME!! That perfect little girl was the answer to our prayers and we thanked God for blessing us with her. Here's a  picture of Morgan and daddy on the first day home!

                          

The months seem to FLY by...before I knew it 12 weeks had gone by and it was time for me to return to work. This was the day that I was dreading. However she was going to be staying Tuesday through Thursday with her Aunt Amy. She was such a blessing. She took excellent care of my princess, and I know Morgan LOVED being with her during the days. (which helped)  Every morning I'd cry my way to work because I HATED leaving her,but then again I praised God for blessing me with a sister-inlaw that was able to keep her for me. I knew she was out of harms way there and that gave me a peace. Here are a couple of pictures of Morgan at the first couple of weeks  at 'Aunt Amas' house.                                                                                          

Morgan Rilee

Monday, January 24th was the worst day of my life. My precious gift from God was taken from me. My 7 month old baby girl Morgan Rilee went to be with Jesus that day. I pray that the Lord will give me the strength to blog more in depth about it one day but, I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Her death was an absolute tragedy. Things you only heard about in the news, and definitely in a way you would never EVER imagine your child leaving this earth....

 She was gorgeous, healthy, happy, the most perfect little child you could ever imagine. The only time she cried was is she was hungry..and  was always, always, always, smiling and laughing. My husband and I knew on September the 30th 2009 (the day we found out we were pregnant) that she was his gift to us and we thanked him every single day for her. I worked full time up to 4 days before I had her. May 27th 2010 at 3:58 she was born. My pregnancy went perfect never once had heartburn, never once was sick to my stomach, PERFECT. Same for the labor and delivery.  We went to be induced at 6:30 that morning and had her that afternoon with absolutely NO problems what so ever. God had his hand on us from that day forward. I was blessed to stay at home with my princess for a little over 3 months for my maternity leave. She was my world. That empty spot that I once had in my heart she filled. There is NOTHING like the bond a mother and their daughter have for one another,and it starts as soon as she created. My husband and I spent 7 of the greatest months with her. Times I will cherish forever and will never EVER forget. she was my world. I went to work to make money for her and our unnecessary shopping habits we had. She was my little princess her daddy and I wanted her to have the best of the best. Her closet had more clothes than mine ever would and she had a bow and headband to match every single outfit. I stayed on a healthy diet for her from day one because I knew that I wanted that bond of being able to breastfeed my baby. I feel like it gave us both a sense that she knew she needed me and I knew I needed her. She enjoyed every outing, definitely had her mommys blood when it came to shopping. She was already in church, and was loved by so many. The night before my baby went to heaven so said 'MOMMA'!  (She already had the 'da da da' thing down) When you have a baby you begin to plan your future together as a family. NEVER once does it cross your mind that you will only get 7 short months to enjoy your beautiful baby girl..