Emotionally DRAINED

A emotional roller coaster...that's the best I can describe the last week or so. I am so out of sink of my daily routine, and it has drove me crazy. Last Thursday PK and other surrounding areas were invaded my major wildfires. It got VERY close to our pk home which brought us having to evacuate last Saturday. The first time back to the lake in almost 3 months and it was to hurry up and try and save my baby girls stuff, so it would be safe and sound with me, and out of the danger of a fire. That was so hard. We knew that the day would come where we would have to go and pack her room, but never would I have imagined it would have been in a manner like this. Just driving up to the house was tough...of course the only thing I could recall was the 24th, and images from that day. As sad as it is..that place is not home anymore. It has so many good memories there but unfortunately the bad outweighs the good. The moment we stepped in I saw her corner in our living room filled with toys that she never even got to play with from Christmas. It hit us. Things were perfect and we could not be happier with our baby girl..and it felt like that awful day in January a mack truck came and ran us completely over. All the anticipation of her growing and the love our little family shared ended so quickly...so tragically. It was time to pack her room so Jeff and I had a moment to ourselves to sit in there and cry and hold her lovey bears..and just look at all the things we had accumulated for our precious daughter over 8 months. I had just bought her a closet FULL of new clothes that she never got to wear...and looking at all of her bows, and the bedding that I was so proud of. I sure hoped she enjoyed it all, it all meant so so much to us. We wanted her to have everything she wanted and needed and it looked liked she did. Her room BY FAR had more storage containers than the rest of the house did. I picked up a blanket in her crib and just tried to smell every last smell of her I could. It did smell like her thankfully. This is all just so tough. I don't think it will ever make since on why this has happened...I would give anything to return to the way things were...

Lastly..Easter is this Sunday..plus it's the 24th. This is going to be so tough. Thankfully we've decided to attend church with some family out of town which hopefully will  be a bit easier for us. Rather than seeing all of the little ones that I had imagined being at our Easter get-togethers and the babies that my morgy would have gotten to hunt eggs with one day. The dresses, the bows will be in full fledged come Sunday. Which is something I miss dearly. Having a little girl is such a blessing. It's truly a gift from God. And my morgy soaked up every moment of it in her precious outfits, and bows. I'm going to go to her spot on Sunday evening and put her Easter basket there. The Easter bunny use to 'hide' our Easter basket in the mornings when we were kids and we would wake up to a scavenger hunt to find them! I longed for the day where we could do that with Morgan. She would have loved it. And most importantly teach of her the importance of Easter, and who Jesus is...but I now see that my little 8 month old baby girl knows him MUCH more personally than I do...as she is laying in the arms of our Lord as we speak! I love you Morgan Rilee, and pray that our day is coming soon sweet girl!!

blocked

blocked in so many more ways than one. Its been a month since we've talked and its obvious things aren't going to get any better. Thankful for the option to 'block' on facebook so ill no longer have to see the posts and pictures...the option of running far far away is unfortunately not an option..so what else is there to do? Lord please grant me with patience and sanity...it seems as if I'm running a bit low on them both. I'm still so lost. Its like my life is on a repeat now and time has stopped and improvement is impossible. 'I don't even want to be right now. all want to  do is close my eyes, and don't want to open them again, until I'm standing on the other side..' famous words of scc..his music is such an ispiration to me. when nobody else seems to have the words his songs comfort me. l love you morgan rilee and I pray our day is coming soon sweet girl.

Questions

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Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I’m confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
that fore every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn’t there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly
Ohhh
Ohhh

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

Why?

Someone shared this with me today and I thought since it hit home so much, I would put it in my blog for today. Unfourtunately, today was awful. I don't think this emptiness is going to go anywhere, anytime soon. Why does this feel like it's getting worse instead of better? I am surounded by perfect happy families, that have beautfiul babies and living the dreams I thought I would always get to have...What happend? I hate being so down. It's not like me..I guess sharing this may perhaps help someone else that may be going through a simliar situation. There are very few people that know how to handle people that has lost someone close, and unless you've been there you have no idea..

Some of the things you may experience or feel are:

• Depression.
• A profound longing and emptiness.
• Wanting to die. This feeling usually passes in time; for eventually you will realize that you must go on for the sake of remaining family members, yourself and your child who died.
• Profound sadness.
• Crying all the time or at unexpected times.
• Inability to concentrate on anything, frequently misplacing items.
• Wondering “Why???”
• Forgetfulness.
• Questioning yourself over and over: "IF only I had….?" "Why didn’t I…?"
• Placing unnecessary guilt on yourself or others.
• Anger with yourself, family members, God, the doctor and even your child for dying.
• Fearing that you are going crazy! (very normal)
• Great physical exhaustion. Grief is hard work and consumes much energy!
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time to avoid the pain.
• Physical symptoms such as heaviness in your chest or having difficulty breathing (if these feelings persist see your physician) tightness in your throat, yawning, sighing, gasping or even hyperventilating.
• Lack of appetite or over eating.
• Weight gain or weight loss.
• Anxiety. (Often associated with overprotective behavior toward surviving children and other family members.)
• Denial of your loss, thinking that your child will return. (Denial can be effectively treated by spiritual leaders as well as psychologists. Seek help if your denial phase persists beyond a month.)
• Needing to tell and retell the story of your child’s death.
• Inability to function in your job.
• Sensing your child’s presence or an odor or touch associated with your child.
• Having difficulty grocery shopping because of seeing your child’s favorite food(s) on the shelves.
• Irrationally upset with yourself if you smile or laugh, thinking how can I smile, my child is dead? (Your child will want your life to be as good and as happy as possible in spite of death’s intervention.)
• Feelings as if your spouse or other family members don’t understand your grief or are not grieving as you think they should. Remember everyone grieves differently.
• Losing old friends who don’t seem to understand your pain and grief.
• Making new friends through support groups with members who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand your feelings.
• Feeling like you are making progress in your grief work, then slip back into the old feelings. Grief work usually is a succession of two steps forward and one step back over a long period of time.


• Becoming very frustrated with others who expect you to be “over this” in a month, six months or a year and who say so. Or even being frustrated with yourself for expecting to be “over this” too soon.


• Grief work from the death of your child is a slow process. Be patient with yourself.

a very rough day

I am so torn. I have been a complete mess today. I've cried more today than have in a while and it just seems like I am not getting anywhere. how did my life get to this point? my mind has completely stopped.  january 24th my mind, heart, and soul traveled to heaven with my baby girl...and I am beginning to wonder if its ever coming back. I am constantly refering to things that I 'just did'..although in reality.. it was things did in january. its like life has stopped. its now april! how did I get here? today on my way home had a flashback of what has taken place over the last few months.. the days have never gone by so fast in all of my life. How am suppose to keep going? I am surrounded by people that have exactly what want...and all I am trying to do is figure out how did this go so wrong so fast? I know all about gods will...but how did this happen? when I woke up that monday morning never once did think that was the last time I would have held my sugarbooger. Its not very often I sull up and ask questions, but tonight my blog was for me to vent. I do not see how a marriage, or friendships, or sanity is suppose to stay intact during this awful time. it seems like they are all just a blurr right now. as soon as I think things are improving...they quickly tumble right back to the ground. I have lost so much in the last 2 1/2 months...things I never thought I would have to live without. I miss home, I miss coming home to my sweet girl and living our daily routine..I miss my cheerful carefree husband that loved making his little girl laugh. These things are not coming back, no matter how hard I try, and I'm having a very rough time dealing with it all...once again I apppoligize for the negativity, this is not like me, but this blog is meant for me vent when I need it, and I think I have accomplished that.the scripture ive been leaning on is jeremiah 29 11 'for i know the thoughts i think toward you, says the lord. thoughts of peace,not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.. love to you all that keeps me going. im so thankful for the enouragement and love you surround me with.

The Hope of Heaven

A dear friend of mine gave me a book today called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears in Heaven...." The picture on the front is a sweet little girl that has a YELLOW..yes YELLOW butterfly on her finger. Thank you so much Susan..This put a smile on my face today!! : )  There is a passage at the end of this book that I had to share:

The Hope of Heaven

Heaven. Is there any place so inviting and at the same time so incomprehensible?  What do you imagine when you think of heave? The Bible tells, us, "No mere man has ever seen, heard, or even imagined what wonderul things God has ready for those who love the Lord" (1 Corinthians 2:9,) Yet, it also tells us that heaven is a place of light, hope and rewards. Jesus said, "I go to prepare a place for you." How marvelous to know a heavenly home awaits those who trust in Him.

My deep sorrow has given me a better understanding of the Bible and God's promises concerning heaven.  Through the experience of losing my child, I have become more intensely aware of my heavenly home, and I live now in joyful expectation of going there someday. 

I have often sat on my front porch and watched the beautiful sunsets, trying to envision what my little girl might be experiencing in heaven at that very moment; running and laughing, playing with other children, even walking with her great-grandparents. My precious child, and yours, is loved and cared for in that wonderful place called heaven.  They are save and secure in the arms of Jesus. 

Knowing that my daughter is in heaven is one of my heart's greatest treasures.  When I think about being with her again, my eyes often fill with tears of joy.  I live iwth an overhwleming sense of hope and comfort as I anticipate that day.


You, too can experience this same hope, comfort, and joy through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  For the Bible clearly states that all who trust in His love, mercy, and forgiveness by faith are assured of eternal life in heave.  Therefore, you can know with absolute certainty that one day you will be reunited with your child.


A much-loved verse says, "Fo God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Sun, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.: (John 3:16). Jesus Himself said, "I tell you the tuth, whoever hears my word and believes who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemed; he has crossed over from death to life" (John 5:24) . Those who trust in Jesus will be with Him forever in heaven one day!


Many years ago I invited Jesus into my life with a simple prayer like this....


Dear Jesus, I believe that You are the Son of God, and that You gave Your life for me on the cross as a payment for my sins. I believe that You rose from the dead and that You are alive today in heaven. Please forgive my sins and come into my life as Savior and Lord.
Thank you for the gift of eternal life. Help me to trust you and walk with you here on earth until the day when I walk with you in heven. Amen.


If you have sincerely asked Jesus into your life, He will never leave you. Nothing can separate you from His love, and because of this someday in that glorius place called heaven we will cradle and hold our childern tight, and once agian our hearts will beat as one. 


I look forward to meeting you there!

I LOVE YOU MORGAN RILEE!!!!!

  

another sleepless night

well its looking like I am going to have another sleepless night tonight. all can picture tonight is flashes of the hospital. as much as know that god is in control, I'd like to know the full medical reason on why they weren't able to save my morgy. I know that it was simply not Gods will...but why did they not even give cooks a chance? I still don't think in any shape to hear the answer to these questions that I have, but - don't think that it hurts for me to ask them. My emotions are shot tonight. the last few days have been so good. almost scary they are so good. its like waiting around for the next chapter of my life to begin. I have no idea which direction to go in, and it feels like for some reason I am drawing closer and closer back to square one. I am praying that today will help. We are taking on something we haven't tried yet, and I pray its what my husband needs to break out of his shell and let some of his emotion go. Its like we have this new home were fixing to move into...but like life is going backwards instead of forwards. jeff and have already lived the part of life as getting a new home and making that house into a home together...and then eventually starting a family. the next time we were suppose to mmove into a new home was suppose to be as a family of3...not just back to jeff and I. I know God's ways are higher than our ways...but why does it seem like instead of prospering and flourishing in life, like most people get to indure...that we are going backwards??? This new home was suppose to be filled with family time..it was where my babies were to be raised, and h their first sleepovers, and birthday parties...now we have the home...but nothing to go with it. I love just putting my heart down on 'paper' it gives since of peace that nobody else can give. Even though I know that it was simply not God's will for morgy to live past 8 months...I still have a hard time on understanding what I am suppose to do next.